JESUS BIG ADVENTURE

Jesus was walking down some street somewhere and looked into a bike shop and saw the coolest bike he'd ever seen. It was like his greatest dream. It was hot pink with a basket and the words "Hot Tramp" written on the frame in black letters with neon green trim. Jesus had to have the bike for the big bike race coming up... the Tour De France.

Jesus asked his dad to buy him the bike, but his dad refused because Jesus had turned all his dad's money into gay porn while his dad was out with an exceptionally hot chick. Jesus had only one alternative: get a job... at the bike store, then steal the bike while the manager was in the bathroom.

Getting the job was no problem with Jesus' excellent resume, but after two weeks, the manager had yet to take a shit. So Jesus decided to scare the shit out of him. He broke into the bike shop late at night and set up an elaborate system of levers and pulleys all rigged together to lower a mannequin dressed as a ghost and swing it around the manager's head.

Jesus spent hours building his scare rig. He worked until the sun came up. As the first rays of the sun came up over the horizon and danced off the shiny pink bike of Jesus' dreams, Jesus realized that he could just steal it now. So he finished his scare rig, set the dial to "terrify" and rode off on his new bike.

UNLICENSED ANIMAL HUSBANDRY

Jesus ordered a turkey burger from a local eatery. He wasn't a weirdo or anything, but he was on a strictly no cow diet after he "accidentally" saw a cow having sex with an impala and it really grossed him out. The burger was brought out by a guy wearing a wearing a fake nose and mustache, and to the best of Jesus' recollection, the guy who took his order was a fat woman. Jesus lifted the burger suspiciously to his nose and inspected it nasal-wise. He came to the conclusion that it was beef! The smell brought back memories of the graceful impala being mounted by the rotund bovine that made Jesus nauseous.

Only three people knew about Jesus' experience, Paul Newman Jr., Dr. Drew Pinksy and God, who sees everything all the time of course. God was obviously the prime suspect because Paul Newman Jr. and Dr. Drew died when Jesus told them what happened. Jesus hopped on his scooter and scooted to Heaven to have it out with God once and for all. That son-of-a-bitch just can't stand other people messing with his animal husbandry.

Jesus burst into God's throne room, but stopped and thew up a little in his mouth when he saw that God had an impala on either side of his throne. "You son-of-a-dick! You think just because your beard is bigger and fuller than mine it's better? Well you know what... AAAAHHHH!" Jesus charged at God with a pair of garden sheers. God casually countered Jesus' attack like that black dude in The Matrix fighting Keanu Reeves. Jesus fell to the floor and God turned to the impalas and said, "Take your revenge."

So Jesus ended up being gang raped by two impalas while God watched, and masturbated and ate a soft pretzel with cheese dip.

100TH JESUS: THE BEST LAID PLANS

Jesus had been up late and was trying to get some sleep, but the neighborhood kids kept ringing his doorbell and asking him if his refrigerator was running, and shit like that. In his horrifying, sleep deprived mind, Jesus concocted a subtle revenge: He would give his refrigerator robot legs, then, when the kids came back and asked their questions, the fridge would trample them to death. Then, Jesus would go to their funerals and console their grieving mothers with his sensual love making. Then he'd raise the kids from the dead and have his fridge trample them again, then more love making and so on.

Jesus and his fridge were crouching behind the couch when the doorbell rang again.  "Coming," Jesus called as he chuckled to himself.

Jesus opened the door, and the head kid said, "Pardon me, do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

The refrigerator didn't know what to do, the kid hadn't said the right question. The fridge just stood there, and Jesus panicked and started strangling the kid with his own socks. The other kids pulled out their squirt guns and unleashed a series of streams at Jesus as he dove back behind the couch.

"Did he melt yet?" asked George, the bravest boy.

"Dammit!" Jesus screamed. "I'm not the wicked witch! Why do you bullies keep saying that?" Jesus was then shocked to see the wicked witch sitting on the other end of the living room.  He jumped, so did she. He realized he was looking in a mirror, and that the costume shop owner he'd fucked over last month had gotten her revenge.

INTO THE WOODS

Jesus was hiding from the IRS in a hippie commune in Northern California. The leader of the commune was called Cornflower, and he did not like Jesus.  You see, a commune only functions when everyone contributes, and Jesus just treated all the hippies as his slaves.  Except Cornflower, he hated Cornflower right back, and tired to lead the other, less-leaderly, hippies in a coup d'etat to overthrow the hippie tyrant.

Most of the hippies loved Cornflower, because had a positive aura, and because he got the best weed. But Jesus had one key ally, Cornflower's teenaged son, Moon Whistle. Moon Whistle was tired of his father always dancing around naked and scaring off his friends and having sexual intercourse with his pets. Jesus sensed hesitation in the boy so he gifted Moon Whistle with a couple of magic powers to help keep the hippie slaves in line. He gave him the ability to fly, x-ray vision and super sperm.

Moon Whistle tried out his new x-ray vision on Pussywillow, the cute girl who grew the commune's sunflowers. He saw that she was terribly constipated, and recommended that she eat more fiber. Pussywillow, not knowing about the x-ray vision, thought that Moon Whistle must be spying on her, and knew about her intense hatred of fiber. She decided it was time to call her dad, Paul Webber! the IRS super agent assigned to bring Jesus to tax-related justice. Paul, not knowing about Jesus, took a three hour trip through the commune infested woods to bring his daughter home.

So, Pussywillow went home to Georgetown, and Moon Whistle slipped into a deep depression. While Cornflower consoled his son, Jesus crept up behind him and hit him with a shovel. Jesus took over and turned the commune into a successful sunflower conglomerate. But he failed to pay the corporate taxes and was forced to go back on the run.

Today, Jesus survives as a soldier of fortune. If you've got a problem, if no one else can help, maybe you can hire... Jesus! Duh duh duh duh dah dah dah dah.