JESUS AND THE BULL OF HEAVEN

Jesus was participating in the nude bull fighting championship in Mexico City, Mexico.  He’d done okay so far by using his Jesus powers on the bulls, but now he was up against Berry, the Bull of Heaven, who was way too smart for Jesus.  They went to kindergarten together and Berry beat Jesus in the spelling bee, the make-things-out-of-play-dough contest and even at naptime (Berry always had some hot college chicks nap with him.)

Jesus was so scared that he could barely get an erection, which was a requirement in nude bull fighting.  So Jesus put a mental image of Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days in his head and was instantly hard.  He walked into the arena. There were three or four people in the audience, but Jesus didn’t have time to count. All his attention was drawn by a giant picture of him in a compromising position, which had obviously been hung on the wall by a bull.  The picture showed Jesus being beaten by kids.

Jesus was so mad, that he didn’t even wait for the buzzer to begin. He drew his sword and charged at Berry.  Berry had expected this rash behavior from Jesus and planned accordingly, so Jesus ran straight into the clear plastic wall that Berry had prepared earlier, and the crowd went wild.  Jesus peeled himself off the wall in time to avoid Berry’s next attack, which involved a chainsaw.  He charged at Berry again, this time with his broken erection in both hands.  Berry did a spinning-jump kick and knocked Jesus to the floor, then sat on him until Jesus died of hooker deprivation.

BEAVER BEATING

Jesus searched and searched through the mess that had once been his Las Vegas penthouse, but he couldn’t find his Jesus Robe. "How can I go out without my Jesus Robe?" he asked. "It’s all I’ve ever worn." But he couldn’t find it, so he was forced to go out in a beaver costume.

He had plans to kidnap a cheerleader for breading purposes, so he wanted to sneak around and get a feel for the layout. The local high school had coincidentally, just changed its mascot from the incredibly racist, Swede Beaters, to the proud and tolerant Beaver Beaters.

Luckily, Jesus’ beaver costume was a girl-beaver costume, so nobody questioned him as he casually walked into the girl’s locker room. There were several cheerleaders there changing into their uniforms for the big pep rally, but only one caught Jesus’ eye. She had red hair, and freckles, wide shoulders and child-bearing hips and she couldn’t have been more than fifteen. Jesus would need to be cunning in order to get away with her.

He sat on a doorknob and stared at her, thinking about stuff, when all of a sudden, she noticed him and her eyes lit up. Jesus felt a weird tension in his stomach, and his heart seemed to be beating off in his chest. The cheerleader jumped excitedly and yelled, "Look everyone, a beaver to beat!"

They all ran at him and beat him down like cheerleaders beating their beavers. But the padding of the costume protected Jesus from their weak, feminine blows. In fact, it felt rather like a massage.

Once the massage was over, Jesus grabbed Red by her pigtails and slammed her face into a locker. Then he picked up her unconscious body and ran off. But campus police were in hot pursuit; he’d need wheels.

After running a few blocks, Jesus found a guy who agreed to trade him his car for the girl. Jesus was well on his way to the movies before he remembered why he even needed the car in the first place. So he slammed on the brakes and backed up into a cowboy, which is pretty weird, I mean, what’s a cowboy doing just walking around? Where’s his horse anyway?

Right, so meanwhile, the guy who traded with Jesus had been arrested for kidnapping. So Jesus found the poor, young, distraught girl and offered her a friendly (sexy) shoulder (dick) to cry (sit) on.

JAYWALKERS

Jesus was standing on the corner of Sunset and Fairfax in Hollywood. He was undercover in a jaywalking sting operation (desperate times, desperate measures, that sort of thing.) He was trying to find a ringleader, so he needed answers. He jaywalked right along with other people (like his special license said he could.) And he would ask them things like, "Mighty fine jaywalking here, eh?" "Who told you about this corner?" "Where’d you learn to jaywalk like that, man?" "Can I have your phone number?" Most people just thought that he was either retarded or religious (two things people in Hollywood were trained to ignore.) 

But finally, after two weeks, he got a talker. "So," Jesus said, "who taught you to jaywalk?"

"Originally it was John, over on Wilshire, but now I’m with Gary, he’s much better."

"Is that Gary on Gower? Gower Gulch Gary?"

"Yeah, he pays the best, really takes care of his walkers."

Jesus had heard of him before, and knew where he hung out. He raced of to the Rite-Aid on Gower and Sunset where Gary worked as a cashregister-man. Gary was bagging up some groceries when Jesus tackled him and hog-tied him and dragged him downtown.

"Who do you work for!?" Jesus demanded to know.

"Rite-Aid," Gary answered. "I was working when you arrested me." He was clever, Jesus would give him that, ‘but was he as clever as a beehive?’ Jesus wondered as he stuffed him in a box with a beehive and kicked him down the stairs. Jesus sat on top of the box and asked him a few questions, but Gary didn’t answer. Jesus opened the box and found Gary and all of the bees dead and came to the conclusion that Gary was equally as intelligent as beehive, and noted it in his report. Then he raced back to the streets for more leads and crack rocks.