THE FIST OF JUSTICE

Jesus was swimming in his neighbor's pool one night, unbeknownst to his neighbor, Cuba Gooding Jr. Cuba had a big dog, that really scared Jesus, named Rex. Rex and Cuba were both inside, cuddling up to a good movie. The were watching Casablanca. Cuba had just signed on to play the only black guy, Sam, in the remake. Rick was going to be played by Johnny Knoxville, and the chick was model, Kate Upton, in her acting debut.

Anyway, the pool had been upwind of Cuba's bedroom window until now. Rex caught the sent of a wet and slow Jesus and raced downstairs and out the doggy door. Jesus saw him and screamed and tried to escape by magically transporting himself elsewhere. But Rex jumped into Jesus' magic "doorway" and went with him to 1970s Burt Reynold's house.

Burt was in the middle of a swinging party. Lots of the guests were wet and hairy, so Jesus fit right in. But there was no place for an angry dog at one of Burt's parties. Burt sat naked on a pile of cushions, with a woman on each arm and a third between his legs, and also a butler in the corner of the room getting it on with some hot brunette '70s chick. It was a couple of minutes before Burt's butler could address the dog problem. But by then, Peter Graves had already subdued the dog and incorporated it into the orgy.

Jesus was elbow deep in Sally Field's anus, and had forgotten all about the dog, when 1970s Jesus showed up all Black Panthered out and pissed at nowadays Jesus for banging a white white girl when there are literally tens of thousands of available black women whose anuses need fisting. Anyway, they got to arguing and fighting, and one thing led to another, and now the universe is all destroyed and stuff.

COLD, HARD ICE HIPPIES

Jesus was planning to make the world's largest ice sculpture out of a glacier in Alaska. The only problem was that it was protected as part of Glacier National Park, so he'd have to be sneaky. There was a small team of glacier-hugging ice hippies guarding the glacier led by this guy, Tom. He was the coldest, hardest, whitest ice hippy Jesus had ever seen, and he'd seen them all. This Tom guy even held a penguin upside down while she was laying eggs one time to see if it would end global warming. But it just pissed the penguin off, and she left Tom with a nasty scar on his left nipple.

Anyway, Tom and his merry band had chained themselves to the glacier, right where Jesus intended to carve Pat Sajak's nose. Jesus looked over his plans and tried to figure out if he could flip the glacier over and use that side, but it was a logistical nightmare. He decided to resort to trickery. He disguised himself as a hippie by... actually, after looking down at himself, he realized he didn't have to change anything.

So Jesus walked up and asked Tom if he could "get in on this gay hippy protest?" Tom was suspicious, but there was no denying that the protest was gay. So he tossed Jesus some chains and pointed out the best spot to chain himself.

"But that's where Pat's chin dimple goes!" Jesus accidentally blurted out. The ice hippies were on to him, but luckily, these retards were chained up already. Then Tom pulled out his secret weapon, a key, and unchained them all and yelled, "Get him!"

Jesus was done for. Just then, Sarah Palin came by with a shotgun and killed all the ice hippies, slowly and meticulously. Like a man almost. Anyway, Jesus boned her good, carved Sajak's face and went home with a genuine sense of accomplishment... for once.

JESUS GETS AIDS

Jesus got home from a party one afternoon and caught an episode of Oprah and decided he needed to lose some weight. He’d put on a few pounds since the crucifixion and cheese party that he threw every year on the anniversary of the first time he had cheese. Oprah suggested diet and exercise, but Jesus had a much faster idea in mind… laxatives.

For four weeks, Jesus ate nothing but laxatives and cat food and cheese and drank nothing but Mexican water, imported via mole to Heaven. He lost a lot of weight and started to get more and more sickly looking. Then one day, some of his beard started to fall out and he rushed to the hospital.

After an extensive battery of tests, the doctor told Jesus that he had AIDS. The doctor told him that he should rent the movie Philadelphia so he could know what to expect, but Jesus had other ideas.

He went to the West side of Heaven to see his old friend, Eazy E. What most people don’t know about Eazy E is that he didn’t die from AIDS, he died of Pantheritis (being eaten by a panther) but he had his AIDS fully under control. His secret was panther urine, but there are obvious dangers associated with the collection process.

So Jesus got depressed, he felt there was no hope for him. Then he got angry and decided to infect as many people as possible with his AIDS, and he knew just where to start… Oprah.

He figured if he could get Oprah to get infected with AIDS by him, then all her fans would pay dearly for a lick.

Jesus snuck into Oprah’s dressing room and dipped his weenie into her coffee. But Jesus was caught by security before Oprah drank the coffee.

So Oprah watched Jesus die, slowly, from AIDS and laughed and had her highest rated episode ever.