MR. JESUS GOES TO WASHINGTON

Jesus was sick of girls turning down his indecent proposals, so he decided to run for Congress. His local Congressman, Pedro Salazar, was too Mexican for Jesus anyway so he turned him into a Frenchman named Pierre Sevousplaisez, but that was too French, so Jesus killed him… violently, with a cinderblock.

So Jesus started his campaign. His big platform issue was, "Pants, who needs them?" Jesus had tried hard for centuries to get everyone to ditch their pants and follow his tan-dress wardrobe ideas. He had a highly publicized business failure a while back; nobody wanted to wear Jesus’ dress. So he was going to make it a law that everyone had to wear dresses, and chicks had to wear really short dresses, and no panties.

He won by a landslide, but only because he was running unopposed. So Jesus set about interviewing interns at a D.C. kindergarten. "The trick is to get ‘em young," Jesus explained to the teacher, "that way you can train ‘em not to call the cops when you do illegal shit." The teacher just stared at Jesus with a horrified expression on her face, so Jesus picked up a chair and beat her until she was unconscious. Then he grabbed two little girls up under his arms and smashed through the window to freedom.

Jesus’ limo driver, Theo, had slashed all the tires in the parking lot so no one could follow. Once they were safe in Jesus’ high security compound, Jesus kissed Theo on the cheek then punched him in the kidney. This was Jesus’ way of saying, "Good job Theo, but you’re fired anyway!" Theo didn’t get it, so Jesus spelled it out in a little note and shoved it up Theo’s nose.

Then he took the two girls up stairs and prepared the cages they would call home. Just then, Theo came up the stairs with a samurai sword. "The girls are rightfully mine!" Theo shouted.

"What? By what logic?" Jesus asked, incredulously.

"Alright, we’ll split ‘em 50/50, length-wise."

"I don’t negotiate with boners!"

"Boners?!" Theo yelled as he lunged at Jesus. Jesus busted out his nunchucks and they battled for just long enough for the girls to get away and call the cops.

Jesus and Theo spent a few years in prison together and became good friends again, until Jesus stole Theo’s Jello….

JESUS VS. MI6

“Jesus P. Christ: Attorney at Law.  What the fuck?” asked Jesus as he read the sign on the door.  “An imposter!”  Jesus crashed through the door like a mongoose on steroids and saw some fat dude in a wig and fake beard.  “You!” Jesus said as he recognized the imposter.  It was William Frawley, TV’s Fred Mertz.

Jesus had helped Old Bill out plenty of times, and now to see him try and pull some stupid shit like this really sent Jesus over the edge.  He started looking through Bill’s drawers and throwing things about wildly.  Then he found Bill’s License to Kill. 

“So all this time you’ve been a British agent?” Jesus said. 

“Yes,” Bill said, “and we know all about your plan to unleash your swarm of undiapered flying babies over London.  You won’t get away with it!”

“I already have,” Jesus laughed, “I already have!”

But Bill had one last trick up his sleeve- he threw some dirt in Jesus’ face, temporarily blinding him and seriously pissing him off.  Then he ran faster than a fat chick at a dick buffet and hid behind a curtain while Jesus searched furiously for him.

Jesus kicked over a table, but Bill wasn’t there.  He turned on the blender, but Bill wasn't  there either.  Then Jesus saw a big red ‘X’ on the floor and stood on top of it hoping it would somehow solve his problems.  But it was really Bill’s booby trap!

Jesus fell through the floor and onto a bed with two skanks on it. “Skanks, my one weakness!  Well, skanks and dirt in my eye.  And cocaine and puppy dogs and those little toothpicks with the colored plastic at the top that they put in sandwiches.”

So anyway, Jesus was forced to have dirty sex with the skanks… the dirtiest.  When he emerged three days later, his babies had all been euthanized, and Bill was waiting for him with a cage made out of those toothpicks.  Thus the world was safe from Jesus… for now.

LITTLE LOST PUP'

Jesus was wandering the streets flipping cars over rooftops looking for his lost puppy.  “Jesus Jr.!” he shouted as he peed on a rich old lady in a mink coat.  It turned out she hadn’t seen his dog though, so he put up flyers advertising a reward, an “eternal” reward, which actually cost Jesus nothing.

So now that Jesus had all this extra cash from not paying any reward, and not owning a dog, he decided to go on a shopping spree.  But that quickly escalated to a nipple-rubbing spree, which once again, cost nothing.  So what to do with all this cash?  He considered giving it to charity, which would be the Christian thing to do, but the thought made him vomit blood all over a rich old pimp in a mink coat.

That’s when it hit him: a little kid.  Jesus punted this punk-ass kid across the schoolyard, then ran home and saw his puppy on TV.  Jesus Jr. was anchoring the local news in a little sports-coat and tie.

The thing that really surprised Jesus was that Jr. was speaking perfect English, with a slight Canadian accent.  “He never told me he was Canadian!” Jesus said furiously.  Jesus now wanted revenge on Jesus Jr. for lying, and he knew just how to get it... anally.

He said a little chant and some demons appeared and wrecked the place, then Jesus got control of them.  He sent them to the puppy’s dressing room and had them rape him for 100 years with a  bucket. Then he had the demons make him a pie... a delicious one!