Jesus was sitting at home watching NYPD Blue reruns when he got a call from his old pal the Tooth Fairy. The Tooth Fairy had received an anonymous letter asking for $50,000 in exchange for information on a treasure trove of baby teeth. The Tooth Fairy was badly in debt and couldn't pass up the chance to cash in. He was going to need back-up though. That's where Jesus came in. The Tooth Fairy didn't have any powers except super sneakyness, also he was only three and a half inches tall. So he figured he'd need some muscle in case things went south, which they likely would when the other party realized that he'd given them counterfeit money.
Jesus gave Toothy a tiny gun and a bullet-proof vest then selected his own weapons: a sniper rifle, a grenade launcher and a BB gun. He also put on a bullet-proof cup so as to avoid an bullet injuries to groin area like the genitals and such. It needed to be tightened just so, so Jesus was forced to ask Toothy for help adjusting it, which made for a pretty awkward few minutes.
After that it was time for action. The meet went down at the old docks, at night. Jesus positioned himself high-up on a crane or something and Toothy flew out into the open. A large, black sedan pulled up and out stepped two metaphorical gorillas. One of them opened the back door and Toothy hopped in.
Jesus strained to see with his super Jesus vision, but was just at a bad angle to see down this hot blonde's shirt, so he flew down and checked her out. While he was down there, the Tooth Fairy was shot six times in the genitals for trying to pass off counterfeit bills. Luckily, Jesus got a good view of the titties. Anyway, by the time Jesus refocused the car was gone and Toothy was lying there in a pool of blood.
Jesus stood over him and said, "I guess crime doesn't pay." Then he walked into the night... then he came back and carried Toothy to a doctor.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Monday, November 11, 2013
THE LAUGHING TOTEM
Jesus was carving a totem to ward off evil spirits. The evil spirits had been bother him ever since he killed all those Indians and built his house on top of their mass grave. It was going slowly, and Jesus was really trying to hurry because his girlfriend, Janis, would be moving in with him tomorrow. While he carved as fast as both he and his beard could, the evil spirits were flying about, knocking papers off his desk and putting scorpion bait between his toes and making this really annoying howling noise like, "Whooooooo!"
Jesus finally finished carving and said a little prayer to bless the totem. The totem then opened its mouth and began to suck all the evil spirits in, but it also sucked in Jesus' best friend, Bernie, who just happened to be both evil and a spirit. Jesus was about to karate chop the totem to get his friend back, but before he could, there was a knock on the door. It was Janis, a day early, with a team of movers and a bottle of champagne.
Jesus had to stall for time, so he called the cops and told them Janis was robbing his house. While Janis and the movers were being arrested for burglary, Jesus turned himself into and evil spirit and dove into the totem after Bernie.
Jesus didn't expect what he found on the inside. Apparently, Bernie already had a best friend, and Jesus had just reunited them for the first time in 800 years. They were all best friends again and shit and didn't have time for Jesus. In fact, they had some other language, and Jesus was pretty f-ing sure they were just making fun of him the whole time. So Jesus crawled out of the totem and sent it into a black hole with a snap of his fingers.
on his way downtown to bail out Janis, Jesus made a new best friend, a squirrel that Jesus named Muffin. Jesus tried to pet Muffin and Muffin bit him and ran up a tree. "Classic Muffin," Jesus laughed.
Jesus finally finished carving and said a little prayer to bless the totem. The totem then opened its mouth and began to suck all the evil spirits in, but it also sucked in Jesus' best friend, Bernie, who just happened to be both evil and a spirit. Jesus was about to karate chop the totem to get his friend back, but before he could, there was a knock on the door. It was Janis, a day early, with a team of movers and a bottle of champagne.
Jesus had to stall for time, so he called the cops and told them Janis was robbing his house. While Janis and the movers were being arrested for burglary, Jesus turned himself into and evil spirit and dove into the totem after Bernie.
Jesus didn't expect what he found on the inside. Apparently, Bernie already had a best friend, and Jesus had just reunited them for the first time in 800 years. They were all best friends again and shit and didn't have time for Jesus. In fact, they had some other language, and Jesus was pretty f-ing sure they were just making fun of him the whole time. So Jesus crawled out of the totem and sent it into a black hole with a snap of his fingers.
on his way downtown to bail out Janis, Jesus made a new best friend, a squirrel that Jesus named Muffin. Jesus tried to pet Muffin and Muffin bit him and ran up a tree. "Classic Muffin," Jesus laughed.
TIME OUT
Jesus was flying through space, fighting aliens, one day when, in the heart of battle, he had a real bad leg cramp and had to call a time out. The aliens were from a galaxy that had a different code regarding time outs in battle. They were forced to convene a counsel of twenty to decide the issue.
By the time the counsel had met and decided to allow the time out, Jesus had already resolved his cramp issues, eaten a sandwich, watched an episode of "Gunsmoke" on Netflix (he got amazing reception out in space on his iPad) and gone to the bathroom (without washing his hands). Now he had the problem of deciding what to do with his forty-eight hour time out.
He decided to sneak into the alien headquarters and kidnap the Alien President and inseminate the Alien First Lady with his demon seed. He turned himself invisible, took off his robe, pooped on the floor to see if it would be invisible (it was), immediately regretted pooping on the floor, left a not for his roommate, then raced off to the alien HQ.
Little did Jesus know, that the aliens saw in infrared, so they could still see him. Luckily, the aliens were small and effeminate, and Jesus was able to defeat them with Kung Fu. Once past the guards, Jesus started looking for the Presidential Suites. He found and inseminated the Alien First Lady easily enough, but then he turned the corner and was ambushed by forty-seven alien troops. They dragged Jesus before the Alien President and made him apologize. Jesus was mad, but calmed down after sneaking off with the Alien President under one arm and a nice rug under the other.
By the time the counsel had met and decided to allow the time out, Jesus had already resolved his cramp issues, eaten a sandwich, watched an episode of "Gunsmoke" on Netflix (he got amazing reception out in space on his iPad) and gone to the bathroom (without washing his hands). Now he had the problem of deciding what to do with his forty-eight hour time out.
He decided to sneak into the alien headquarters and kidnap the Alien President and inseminate the Alien First Lady with his demon seed. He turned himself invisible, took off his robe, pooped on the floor to see if it would be invisible (it was), immediately regretted pooping on the floor, left a not for his roommate, then raced off to the alien HQ.
Little did Jesus know, that the aliens saw in infrared, so they could still see him. Luckily, the aliens were small and effeminate, and Jesus was able to defeat them with Kung Fu. Once past the guards, Jesus started looking for the Presidential Suites. He found and inseminated the Alien First Lady easily enough, but then he turned the corner and was ambushed by forty-seven alien troops. They dragged Jesus before the Alien President and made him apologize. Jesus was mad, but calmed down after sneaking off with the Alien President under one arm and a nice rug under the other.
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