Jesus was carving a totem to ward off evil spirits. The evil spirits had been bother him ever since he killed all those Indians and built his house on top of their mass grave. It was going slowly, and Jesus was really trying to hurry because his girlfriend, Janis, would be moving in with him tomorrow. While he carved as fast as both he and his beard could, the evil spirits were flying about, knocking papers off his desk and putting scorpion bait between his toes and making this really annoying howling noise like, "Whooooooo!"
Jesus finally finished carving and said a little prayer to bless the totem. The totem then opened its mouth and began to suck all the evil spirits in, but it also sucked in Jesus' best friend, Bernie, who just happened to be both evil and a spirit. Jesus was about to karate chop the totem to get his friend back, but before he could, there was a knock on the door. It was Janis, a day early, with a team of movers and a bottle of champagne.
Jesus had to stall for time, so he called the cops and told them Janis was robbing his house. While Janis and the movers were being arrested for burglary, Jesus turned himself into and evil spirit and dove into the totem after Bernie.
Jesus didn't expect what he found on the inside. Apparently, Bernie already had a best friend, and Jesus had just reunited them for the first time in 800 years. They were all best friends again and shit and didn't have time for Jesus. In fact, they had some other language, and Jesus was pretty f-ing sure they were just making fun of him the whole time. So Jesus crawled out of the totem and sent it into a black hole with a snap of his fingers.
on his way downtown to bail out Janis, Jesus made a new best friend, a squirrel that Jesus named Muffin. Jesus tried to pet Muffin and Muffin bit him and ran up a tree. "Classic Muffin," Jesus laughed.
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