Jesus was in a heated debate with the manager of the local car wash. The manager insisted that Jesus' space shuttle was too big for the nine foot clearance, but Jesus was sure that, with skill, he could make it fit. First, Jesus demanded to see the blue prints, then the manager's wife's boobs, then the restroom.
After a forty-five minute jerk session, Jesus came out to find his space shuttle stripped of all its parts. They'd even taken the fuzzy dice from his rear view mirror! Jesus saw some kids carrying away a rocket booster, but they insisted that it wasn't his.
Jesus had promised to fly a mission for Russian Space Command later that afternoon, and the Kremlin expected him to have his own, clean shuttle suitable for space exploration and pictures and stuff. Where was Jesus going to find another one at this time of the morning?
Jesus sat down on the curb and pondered his options. "There's no way around it," he told his pet lemur, "we're gonna have to steal one from NASA." But the lemur would have none of it, so it went to take a nap on a bench outside the car wash.
Jesus flew off into space to find NASA's newest space shuttle, the "Melissa Joan Hart." There were three astronauts on board, their names aren't important. Jesus pulled them all out at gunpoint and shuttle-jacked them. Then he piloted it over to the International Space Station and spray painted International Nerd Station on it.
Jesus then headed to Moscow. He accidentally knocked over one of the towers of St. Basil's cathedral when he landed. Anyway, the Russians hooked some space-nukes onto Jesus' shuttle, and that's how the Russians brought America to her knees.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
REVOLUTIONIZING THE PARTY SUPPLY INDUSTRY
Jesus was opening his own party supply store. He had balloons and helium, he had tablecloths and napkins, he had.... Where were the hats? "How can I open a party supply store with no hats!?" Jesus screamed at the Mexicans he'd picked up outside the Home Depot.
He found an online party hat maker, but he didn't like any of their designs. He found an option to submit his own designs and decided to get creative. He wanted pictures of balloons, and cakes and fireworks. Then he had the idea to combine all three into the ultimate party supply. He would call it the Phylicia, in honor of his favorite aunt, Phylicia Rashad.
Jesus ordered his hats, and then set about making the Phylicia. He already had the balloons, and there was a bakery next door for the cake, but he'd have to go somewhere else for the fireworks, somewhere where freedom is more important that safety or responsibility. So he tasked the Mexicans with ordering cakes and blowing up balloons, then he flew up to Heaven.
Usually, you can only find fireworks for sale in Heaven in December, which is like the fourth of July in Heaven, but Jesus knew a guy named Larson who could get anything, anytime. Larson came through, and Jesus went to work.
The idea was to blow up the balloons with the fireworks inside, then bake the cakes with the balloons inside. Jesus lost three ovens and a thumb perfecting the recipe. Eventually, he had six Phylicias ready to go. Now he only needed to sell them to children for a tidy profit. The problem was, at this point, he needed $20,000 for each Phylicia in order to make a profit.
One day the phone rang, it was a rich politician whose daughter was having a sweet sixteen party, and he was sparing no expense. Jesus got him to pay handsomely for all six of the Phylicias.
According to the news, twelve people died at that party, and thirty were injured. But Jesus never found out for sure if that were true. He fled to Mexico, and retired with a day laborer named Juan and a box full of party hats.
He found an online party hat maker, but he didn't like any of their designs. He found an option to submit his own designs and decided to get creative. He wanted pictures of balloons, and cakes and fireworks. Then he had the idea to combine all three into the ultimate party supply. He would call it the Phylicia, in honor of his favorite aunt, Phylicia Rashad.
Jesus ordered his hats, and then set about making the Phylicia. He already had the balloons, and there was a bakery next door for the cake, but he'd have to go somewhere else for the fireworks, somewhere where freedom is more important that safety or responsibility. So he tasked the Mexicans with ordering cakes and blowing up balloons, then he flew up to Heaven.
Usually, you can only find fireworks for sale in Heaven in December, which is like the fourth of July in Heaven, but Jesus knew a guy named Larson who could get anything, anytime. Larson came through, and Jesus went to work.
The idea was to blow up the balloons with the fireworks inside, then bake the cakes with the balloons inside. Jesus lost three ovens and a thumb perfecting the recipe. Eventually, he had six Phylicias ready to go. Now he only needed to sell them to children for a tidy profit. The problem was, at this point, he needed $20,000 for each Phylicia in order to make a profit.
One day the phone rang, it was a rich politician whose daughter was having a sweet sixteen party, and he was sparing no expense. Jesus got him to pay handsomely for all six of the Phylicias.
According to the news, twelve people died at that party, and thirty were injured. But Jesus never found out for sure if that were true. He fled to Mexico, and retired with a day laborer named Juan and a box full of party hats.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
THE CLAW
Jesus was playing the claw machine at his local arcade, trying to win a stuffed John the Baptist doll dressed as a fireman (the John doll, not Jesus.) Jesus positioned the claw directly above the doll and prepared to descend by spitting on his hands and rubbing them together and stealing and eight-year-old’s prize tickets.
He pressed the button and the claw dropped and landed perfectly on the doll. Its claws squeezed together with all the might of a pervert grabbing an ass at a crowded concert or sporting event, someplace he knows he can get away with it because it could have been anyone, or he could say it was an accident, like he tripped or something and luckily some chick’s ass was there for him to catch himself on.
The claw began to rise, and with it the fireman doll Jesus had been coveting all month (his neighbor, Ron, got one and had been parading it around in front of Jesus so as to make him feel inferior in his doll collection area.) His heart and breath stopped, and a bead of sweat, or possibly something grosser dripped on the floor from his balls.
But then Jesus noticed something, there was a Marilyn Monroe dressed as a tax accountant doll clinging to the John doll’s leg. Would the weight prove too much for the claw?
No. Jesus totally got both dolls. Take that Ron!
He pressed the button and the claw dropped and landed perfectly on the doll. Its claws squeezed together with all the might of a pervert grabbing an ass at a crowded concert or sporting event, someplace he knows he can get away with it because it could have been anyone, or he could say it was an accident, like he tripped or something and luckily some chick’s ass was there for him to catch himself on.
The claw began to rise, and with it the fireman doll Jesus had been coveting all month (his neighbor, Ron, got one and had been parading it around in front of Jesus so as to make him feel inferior in his doll collection area.) His heart and breath stopped, and a bead of sweat, or possibly something grosser dripped on the floor from his balls.
But then Jesus noticed something, there was a Marilyn Monroe dressed as a tax accountant doll clinging to the John doll’s leg. Would the weight prove too much for the claw?
No. Jesus totally got both dolls. Take that Ron!
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
JESUS SCRATCHES AN ITCH
Jesus was building a house for himself to live in. It was going to have all sorts of secret passages, and two-way-mirrors and secret rooms to torture his victims in without bothering his neighbors. The only problem was the building inspector, Vanessa. She was a hot-blonde-type, and Jesus was going to have to kill her approved all his secret stuff.
They walked together from room to room as Jesus gave reasonable and plausible answers to all of Vanessa's tough questions like, "Is that your hand on my breast?" Finally, she gave Jesus the proper permits, and he was about to smash her head in with a glass paper weight shaped like Mt. Rushmore, when he suddenly realized that all he had to do to keep her from talking, was capture her and lock her in one of his dungeons and never let her out.
All he had to do was put a blindfold on her and spin her around real fast and throw her in a room and lock the door. He casually asked if she'd like to play a game of pin the tail on the donkey. She seemed to consider it for a moment, but politely declined. But of course, she couldn't resist the piñata.
So Jesus had Vanessa locked up in no time. Little did he know, that she was an undercover vice cop who had literally followed a trail of dead hookers right to Jesus' front door. As soon as she was in trouble, she said the code word, "Barracuda!" and the house was surrounded by cops. Jesus grabbed Vanessa and gagged her with a sock and headed into one of his secret passages. Once they were well hidden, Jesus put Vanessa down to scratch himself and she got the drop on him and took him in.
Down at the station, Jesus tickled the police captain and was beaten for a while. Then he was released when the Supreme Court made hooker-murder legal again. Justice prevails.
They walked together from room to room as Jesus gave reasonable and plausible answers to all of Vanessa's tough questions like, "Is that your hand on my breast?" Finally, she gave Jesus the proper permits, and he was about to smash her head in with a glass paper weight shaped like Mt. Rushmore, when he suddenly realized that all he had to do to keep her from talking, was capture her and lock her in one of his dungeons and never let her out.
All he had to do was put a blindfold on her and spin her around real fast and throw her in a room and lock the door. He casually asked if she'd like to play a game of pin the tail on the donkey. She seemed to consider it for a moment, but politely declined. But of course, she couldn't resist the piñata.
So Jesus had Vanessa locked up in no time. Little did he know, that she was an undercover vice cop who had literally followed a trail of dead hookers right to Jesus' front door. As soon as she was in trouble, she said the code word, "Barracuda!" and the house was surrounded by cops. Jesus grabbed Vanessa and gagged her with a sock and headed into one of his secret passages. Once they were well hidden, Jesus put Vanessa down to scratch himself and she got the drop on him and took him in.
Down at the station, Jesus tickled the police captain and was beaten for a while. Then he was released when the Supreme Court made hooker-murder legal again. Justice prevails.
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