Jesus woke up one afternoon with the worst cotton mouth/morning breath he'd ever experienced. He threw on his robe and walked to Ed's Market on third. Jesus was surprised to see a picture of himself posted on the window. "Barred for Life!?" Jesus read aloud and incredulously.
Jesus decided to burst threw the door and have a word with the manager, but when he tried to enter, he slammed into an invisible barrier. "A Jesus Protection Spell!" he noted. "There's only one person capable of casting suck a spell." So, lieu of a word with the manager, Jesus needed to have a word with his old friend, David Copperfield, the magician not the accountant.
David was crouching behind a trashcan in the alley on the side of the store. Jesus didn't know that, but he didn't need to. He cast a spell to make David smell like a combination of newborn baby and peaches, blended at low speeds until nice and chunky. That just happened to be Jesus' favorite smell.
Jesus caught the scent and let out a satisfied, "AAAHHH!" then followed the scent right to David. David saw Jesus turn the corner and tried to teleport to safety. But Jesus performed an anti-teleportation spell, causing David to just stand there waving his hands about like a fool.
The two stared each other down and tried not to laugh. Then it was a bloody fight to the death. Hair and teeth were flying. David's mascara smeared real bad, and Jesus got a pretty intense leg cramp. They decided to call it a draw.
But the problem with the manager still remained, along with Jesus' cotton mouth. So David and Jesus filled the manager's gas tank with sugar, got a drink from the hose in the alley and went to Chili's for the two for twenty special.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA JESUS
Jesus had just finished watching the new Ninja Turtles movie, and decided to have his own sewer adventure. He packed a few bags and ran as fast as he could into the street, bringing traffic to a screeching halt. Then he opened up a manhole, and dove in headfirst.
He landed with a splash in a river of good ol’ American sewage. Jesus breathed deep of the aroma. He searched around until he found a suitable room to live in. Now, all he had to do was wait for enemy ninjas to attack.
But he got bored six minutes later, and he was out the door and on to more exciting places. Around his second corner, he came upon a boat floating in three-inch deep water. A lone fisherman sat in the boat with his line already cast. As Jesus approached, he realized the fisherman was acting great, Eric Estrada.
“What could you be fishing for in the sewer, you sick-ass freak?” Jesus inquired.
“You!” he shouted back as he pulled up his pole. Jesus’ foot was caught, and he was lifted off the ground, upside down, you know. At that moment, seven, provocatively dressed, male dancers danced out and sang back-up for while Eric Estrada sang a little number.
Jesus had but one hope, the power of prayer. He put his hands together and prayed as hard as he could. Suddenly, he heard the pitter-patter of bare, two toed feet. His prayers had been answered, the Ninja Turtles were on their way.
Eric Estrada must have run into them before because he started yelling at his men to form a human shield around him. They responded with a lightning precision that could only have come from former navy SEALS.
Then, the Ninja Turtles came form a completely different tunnel than Eric Estrada had expected, and totally took his men down in seconds, like everyone knew they would. Then they cut Jesus down while Eric Estrada escaped... for now.
He landed with a splash in a river of good ol’ American sewage. Jesus breathed deep of the aroma. He searched around until he found a suitable room to live in. Now, all he had to do was wait for enemy ninjas to attack.
But he got bored six minutes later, and he was out the door and on to more exciting places. Around his second corner, he came upon a boat floating in three-inch deep water. A lone fisherman sat in the boat with his line already cast. As Jesus approached, he realized the fisherman was acting great, Eric Estrada.
“What could you be fishing for in the sewer, you sick-ass freak?” Jesus inquired.
“You!” he shouted back as he pulled up his pole. Jesus’ foot was caught, and he was lifted off the ground, upside down, you know. At that moment, seven, provocatively dressed, male dancers danced out and sang back-up for while Eric Estrada sang a little number.
Jesus had but one hope, the power of prayer. He put his hands together and prayed as hard as he could. Suddenly, he heard the pitter-patter of bare, two toed feet. His prayers had been answered, the Ninja Turtles were on their way.
Eric Estrada must have run into them before because he started yelling at his men to form a human shield around him. They responded with a lightning precision that could only have come from former navy SEALS.
Then, the Ninja Turtles came form a completely different tunnel than Eric Estrada had expected, and totally took his men down in seconds, like everyone knew they would. Then they cut Jesus down while Eric Estrada escaped... for now.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
JESUS AND THE MEDALLION OF AMON-RA
Jesus was sitting quietly, enjoying an English muffin and contemplating the social effects of tying penguins to strings and spinning them around real fast and hurling them into hot girls, then running up and killing the penguins and telling the girls they were rabid and then charging them for penguin removal.
“But that would never work,” Jesus said as he took another bite of delicious English muffin. Just then, some college jocks walked by him and one of them called him a fag for eating an English muffin. Jesus ignored them ‘cause he’d already gotten three wedgies that day. So, they resolved to taunt him further and throw eggs at him.
Jesus wondered, why did they have eggs? Perhaps they were doing one of those fake baby projects like on all those lame sitcoms on TV where you just know the poor schmoe’s gonna drop it but you’re like, “Why’s he even worried about it? Just get another egg!”
“Or perhaps they’re all just chickens,” Jesus said, and magically turned them all into chickens. Then he put them in a box so he could tie strings to them and sling them into hot chicks.
On the way to the mall, he felt the need to stop at a uniform store so that he could look like an official Rabid-Chicken-Removal-Specialist. But the guy at the store said the uniform would take three weeks to deliver, and those chickens would probably not last that long. So Jesus settled on a railroad conductor uniform.
So Jesus was off to the train yard where he planned to use one of the chickens to derail a train. But that didn't work, it just wasted a perfectly good chicken. So he spent a few hours “rescuing” women from rabid chickens. He didn't make much money, but the medallion he carries that absorbs screams and converts them into thermal-nuclear energy was filled during the day by the screams of horrified and disgusted women.
Jesus went home and ate a nuclear toasted English muffin and went to sleep, his tummy full and his remaining chickens safely in their coup.
“But that would never work,” Jesus said as he took another bite of delicious English muffin. Just then, some college jocks walked by him and one of them called him a fag for eating an English muffin. Jesus ignored them ‘cause he’d already gotten three wedgies that day. So, they resolved to taunt him further and throw eggs at him.
Jesus wondered, why did they have eggs? Perhaps they were doing one of those fake baby projects like on all those lame sitcoms on TV where you just know the poor schmoe’s gonna drop it but you’re like, “Why’s he even worried about it? Just get another egg!”
“Or perhaps they’re all just chickens,” Jesus said, and magically turned them all into chickens. Then he put them in a box so he could tie strings to them and sling them into hot chicks.
On the way to the mall, he felt the need to stop at a uniform store so that he could look like an official Rabid-Chicken-Removal-Specialist. But the guy at the store said the uniform would take three weeks to deliver, and those chickens would probably not last that long. So Jesus settled on a railroad conductor uniform.
So Jesus was off to the train yard where he planned to use one of the chickens to derail a train. But that didn't work, it just wasted a perfectly good chicken. So he spent a few hours “rescuing” women from rabid chickens. He didn't make much money, but the medallion he carries that absorbs screams and converts them into thermal-nuclear energy was filled during the day by the screams of horrified and disgusted women.
Jesus went home and ate a nuclear toasted English muffin and went to sleep, his tummy full and his remaining chickens safely in their coup.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
REMEMBER THE ALAMO? WELL, THIS HAPPENED BEFORE THAT
Jesus was three weeks into an expedition from Boston to Louisiana Territory, wherein he robbed settler and traders and blamed it on local Indian tribes. The settlers and traders kept coming, but the Indians caught on quickly, so Jesus had to keep moving.
Jesus went to Texas, where he ran into William Travis, who was also busy robbing settler and traders and blaming Mexicans. "Bill Travis, you son of a bitch," Jesus laughed, "how the hell are you?"
But Travis was less pleased to see Jesus. "Unless you have the horse, boots, wife and kids you stole from me, I don't want to talk to you." Bill warned. It just so happened, that Jesus stole those very same things from another guy yesterday. A much richer guy. Bill agreed to accept these and renew their friendship and partnership.
Bill was on his way to Mexico to call Santa Anna a girl, but he needed some supplies for the trip. So they headed to Austin or someplace near where Austin would eventually be founded. Once there, Bill went to the general store, and Jesus headed for the saloon. They tied up Bill's new wife and kids outside with the horses.
Bill bought his supplies and headed over to the saloon to meet Jesus. While crossing the street, Bill noticed how quiet and calm it was. Not a person or horse in sight (except Bills). It was a set up, and Bill knew it. Bill reached for his gun, but a warning show at his feet convinced him otherwise. He dived into an alley just in time to avoid the second shot taking his head off.
Bill crawled under the porch of the store and pulled his gun out. He saw three pair of feet, one in sandals, one in boots and in rhinestone covered boots. "Where's your partner?" asked a familiar, British voice. It was Jesus and Travis' old enemies, Davy Crockett and David Bowie, and they had Jesus tied and gagged.
Jesus told them repeatedly that Bill was at the store, but they didn't find him there, so they beat Jesus real bad. Luckily for Bill, he sneaked off, while Jesus was getting beat,with his horse, family and supplies and got to Mexico to call Santa Anna a girl. Jesus swore revenge, but since Bill was already in Mexico, Jesus called it a wash.
Jesus went to Texas, where he ran into William Travis, who was also busy robbing settler and traders and blaming Mexicans. "Bill Travis, you son of a bitch," Jesus laughed, "how the hell are you?"
But Travis was less pleased to see Jesus. "Unless you have the horse, boots, wife and kids you stole from me, I don't want to talk to you." Bill warned. It just so happened, that Jesus stole those very same things from another guy yesterday. A much richer guy. Bill agreed to accept these and renew their friendship and partnership.
Bill was on his way to Mexico to call Santa Anna a girl, but he needed some supplies for the trip. So they headed to Austin or someplace near where Austin would eventually be founded. Once there, Bill went to the general store, and Jesus headed for the saloon. They tied up Bill's new wife and kids outside with the horses.
Bill bought his supplies and headed over to the saloon to meet Jesus. While crossing the street, Bill noticed how quiet and calm it was. Not a person or horse in sight (except Bills). It was a set up, and Bill knew it. Bill reached for his gun, but a warning show at his feet convinced him otherwise. He dived into an alley just in time to avoid the second shot taking his head off.
Bill crawled under the porch of the store and pulled his gun out. He saw three pair of feet, one in sandals, one in boots and in rhinestone covered boots. "Where's your partner?" asked a familiar, British voice. It was Jesus and Travis' old enemies, Davy Crockett and David Bowie, and they had Jesus tied and gagged.
Jesus told them repeatedly that Bill was at the store, but they didn't find him there, so they beat Jesus real bad. Luckily for Bill, he sneaked off, while Jesus was getting beat,with his horse, family and supplies and got to Mexico to call Santa Anna a girl. Jesus swore revenge, but since Bill was already in Mexico, Jesus called it a wash.
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