Jesus was reading the diary that belonged to the thirteen-year-old girl who was tied up in the trunk of his car. "That Becky sounds like a real bitch!" Jesus said loudly.
"Let me go," whimpered the girl in the trunk.
Just then, one of Jesus' sixty-three arch enemies, Superman, flew in to rescue the girl. "Up to your old tricks again I see, Lord Jesus," he said.
"They're called the classics for a reason, Kent, But I also have some new tricks up my butt." Jesus popped the trunk to reveal a midget with a light-saber (with a kryptonite power crystal). The midget tossed the light-saber to Jesus, who leaped twenty feet into the air to swipe at Superman, while the midget hurled fire-bolts from his mind.
Superman was taken completely by surprise, but neither Jesus nor the midget saw the cops pulling up behind them. Jesus had been parked in a ten minute parking zone for almost twelve minutes. Naturally, the cops took Superman's side. They opened fire and shot Jesus in the left leg, but missed the ducking midget by a few feet. Jesus' light-saber swipe went wild, and instead of cutting Superman in half, just cut off his left arm at the elbow. Jesus and Superman both fell to the ground writhing in pain. The midget, who was apparently too short to get shot by Metropolis P.D., just ran up and punched both cops in the sack.
Superman used his laser eyes thing to cauterize his wound. Jesus crawled quickly to Superman's arm, which he plunged up into the crotch area of his robes. "NOOOOO!!!" Superman cried in homophobic disgust. Superman then punched Jesus in the head so hard that Jesus died.
Jesus woke up in Heaven as Superman returned to his fortress of solitude. They both considered it a victory. Most of their battles ended that way.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
MASTER HUNTSMAN
Jesus was at a British pub getting all drunk with some Duke or something, Duke Wilburshire. So, Jesus kept saying he was a master huntsman, and the Duke kept saying that he was a master huntsman, but better, and challenged Jesus to a hunt.
Jesus ran out to buy a tweed jacket, knee high boots, an ascot and a pipe, but tweed had become so popular, that all the stores were out. That left Jesus with two options: one, buy a second hand coat, or two, magic. So Jesus did one of those things.
Now that he was dressed like a master huntsman, Jesus decided it was time to learn to hunt. He followed the Duke around during the warm up huntings and watched how he was tracking things and killing them. It looked simple enough, but could Jesus do it faster and or better than the Duke. Jesus realized, that he didn't even know how a huntsman competition was judged. Two weeks ago, at Barnes and Noble, he'd seen Master Huntsman Competitions for Dummies, and now he regretted not buying it.
The competition began, and Jesus magicked himself up a dog and started asking it questions. He learned a bit about hunting in packs, but not about hunting on his own. He and his dog, Bert, were sitting there thinking about how to out smart the Duke. After forty-five minutes of bad ideas, and five minutes of silence, Bert finally said, "I gotta poop." and wandered off.
Just then, the Duke came back with three dead foxes and four dead rabbits. "I win!" he declared when he saw Jesus empty handed. So Jesus picked up his gun and shot the Duke in the knee. he took the Duke's catch and his hat and went back to the pub to boast.
And Bert was never heard from again. Some say he's still in those woods pooping, and on foggy winter mornings, if you're quite, you can still smell it.
Jesus ran out to buy a tweed jacket, knee high boots, an ascot and a pipe, but tweed had become so popular, that all the stores were out. That left Jesus with two options: one, buy a second hand coat, or two, magic. So Jesus did one of those things.
Now that he was dressed like a master huntsman, Jesus decided it was time to learn to hunt. He followed the Duke around during the warm up huntings and watched how he was tracking things and killing them. It looked simple enough, but could Jesus do it faster and or better than the Duke. Jesus realized, that he didn't even know how a huntsman competition was judged. Two weeks ago, at Barnes and Noble, he'd seen Master Huntsman Competitions for Dummies, and now he regretted not buying it.
The competition began, and Jesus magicked himself up a dog and started asking it questions. He learned a bit about hunting in packs, but not about hunting on his own. He and his dog, Bert, were sitting there thinking about how to out smart the Duke. After forty-five minutes of bad ideas, and five minutes of silence, Bert finally said, "I gotta poop." and wandered off.
Just then, the Duke came back with three dead foxes and four dead rabbits. "I win!" he declared when he saw Jesus empty handed. So Jesus picked up his gun and shot the Duke in the knee. he took the Duke's catch and his hat and went back to the pub to boast.
And Bert was never heard from again. Some say he's still in those woods pooping, and on foggy winter mornings, if you're quite, you can still smell it.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
PUPPIES-WITH-TITTIES
Jesus was being guided through Satan's new castle in Hell by Satan himself. There was a movie room that only showed Joaquin Phoenix movies, there was an indoor swimming pool filled with dead fish and vomit and every toilet in the house had a spiked tongue for wiping your ass. Jesus was a little upset, because Satan had ripped off almost every feature from Jesus' castle in Scottsdale. If there was an STD room, then Jesus would really be mad.
Instead, Satan had a room that literally left Jesus speechless... Satan had a puppies-with-titties room filled with puppies with great big hooters. Jesus was so jealous, he ran in and dove head first into a pile of cuddly pets. Satan saw just how jealous Jesus was and decided to rub it in a little. He told Jesus that every puppy was the offspring of Anna Nicole Smith.
"Oh man," Jesus said, "you can't even get that in Scottsdale!"
Satan then turned to kick a puppy that was nuzzling his leg, and Jesus seized the opportunity to sneak two puppies under his robe. He then made up an overly elaborate story about why he needed to leave. Satan was immediately suspicious because Jesus had not yet seen the whoretory; why would he by racing out now? Satan had a tiny demon baby follow Jesus to get some Intel.
Jesus saw the demon baby with the third eye in the back of his head, and was able to give him the slip. But as Jesus walked through the gates of Hell, the alarm went off. I turned out the puppies had security tags. "Shit!" Jesus yelled as he pulled his gun and shot his way through the underpaid Hell security guards.
Jesus took a bullet in the right shoulder, and one in the right ankle. Then he ran out of bullets and had to take out his nun-chucks. Eventually the guards brought him down. They searched him, but only found one of the puppies. They tossed Jesus in the dumpster out back. Jesus waited a few minutes, then limped home happy, dog boob in-hand.
Instead, Satan had a room that literally left Jesus speechless... Satan had a puppies-with-titties room filled with puppies with great big hooters. Jesus was so jealous, he ran in and dove head first into a pile of cuddly pets. Satan saw just how jealous Jesus was and decided to rub it in a little. He told Jesus that every puppy was the offspring of Anna Nicole Smith.
"Oh man," Jesus said, "you can't even get that in Scottsdale!"
Satan then turned to kick a puppy that was nuzzling his leg, and Jesus seized the opportunity to sneak two puppies under his robe. He then made up an overly elaborate story about why he needed to leave. Satan was immediately suspicious because Jesus had not yet seen the whoretory; why would he by racing out now? Satan had a tiny demon baby follow Jesus to get some Intel.
Jesus saw the demon baby with the third eye in the back of his head, and was able to give him the slip. But as Jesus walked through the gates of Hell, the alarm went off. I turned out the puppies had security tags. "Shit!" Jesus yelled as he pulled his gun and shot his way through the underpaid Hell security guards.
Jesus took a bullet in the right shoulder, and one in the right ankle. Then he ran out of bullets and had to take out his nun-chucks. Eventually the guards brought him down. They searched him, but only found one of the puppies. They tossed Jesus in the dumpster out back. Jesus waited a few minutes, then limped home happy, dog boob in-hand.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
THE CASE OF THE MISSING VAN GOGH
Jesus was outside a restaurant, yelling at a valet for stealing his priceless Van Gogh original from the backseat. The owner of the restaurant came out to see what was the matter, and Jesus demanded compensation. He gave the owner two options: either pay Jesus $25 million, or let Jesus watch as the valet and the owner raped a homeless man.
The owner made a call to his bank before making any hasty decisions, but his funds were significantly lower than Jesus demands. Then he tried to negotiate, "Can't it at least be a homeless chick?"
"Where's the fun in that!?" Asked Jesus. Then he saw that the owner was serious. Jesus agreed to compromise by letting them rape a non-homeless man while he video taped them.
They all headed over to the senior center because the owner thought an older man might be easier to control. "Just make sure he's not a World War II vet or something," the valet said, "I'm not rapin' no war hero!" They looked around and found a man who looked like Woody Allen, only with Barney Fife's body. They lured him into the bathroom with some sick-ass black licorice.
The old man didn't go down without a fight, they beat him and raped him pretty good, and he was pretty sore, but he forgave them after they gave him the licorice.
Jesus went home feeling pretty good about himself. He pulled into his garage and saw something out of the corner of his eye. Turns out the Van Gogh was under the seat the whole time. "I guess I owe those guys an apology," Jesus said. Then he went inside to upload the video to the internet.
The owner made a call to his bank before making any hasty decisions, but his funds were significantly lower than Jesus demands. Then he tried to negotiate, "Can't it at least be a homeless chick?"
"Where's the fun in that!?" Asked Jesus. Then he saw that the owner was serious. Jesus agreed to compromise by letting them rape a non-homeless man while he video taped them.
They all headed over to the senior center because the owner thought an older man might be easier to control. "Just make sure he's not a World War II vet or something," the valet said, "I'm not rapin' no war hero!" They looked around and found a man who looked like Woody Allen, only with Barney Fife's body. They lured him into the bathroom with some sick-ass black licorice.
The old man didn't go down without a fight, they beat him and raped him pretty good, and he was pretty sore, but he forgave them after they gave him the licorice.
Jesus went home feeling pretty good about himself. He pulled into his garage and saw something out of the corner of his eye. Turns out the Van Gogh was under the seat the whole time. "I guess I owe those guys an apology," Jesus said. Then he went inside to upload the video to the internet.
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