OJ AND THE J-MAN

Jesus was chasing chickens in an open field when he was suddenly abducted by hideous, one-eyed tentacled things.  He was being held in some kind of tractor beam and he had a real bad itch on his left thigh.  All he could do was pray, and whistle.

Finally they brought him aboard their craft.  It was a floating pirate ship, and these weren’t aliens, as Jesus had originally assumed, but demons from hell.  They’d been sent to take over the world, and only Jesus could put an end to this idiocy.  So they had to put him in some kind of holding cell so that he would be powerless to stop them.  They even bragged as they fire bombed Milan, Jesus’ favorite Italian city.  He used to luncheon there with Capriccio, his illegitimate son.  Now he was crying like a fat girl on prom night.

But Jesus found a way to escape his cell using nothing but his sandals and some strands of his hair.  Go on, use your imagination, do it!  Once free, he grabbed two demons and tied them into one long demon, and then he grabbed a bunch more and made a rope to climb down from the ship and escape on foot to call a real hero.

He called OJ Simpson, the actor, who showed black men everywhere that they didn’t have to put up with white women’s bullshit.  Jesus went to pick up OJ at the Nevada Prison where he lived.  OJ knew just what to do, first, hide in some bushes and wait.  They had waited in that bush for a good long while before deciding that the demons had moved on to some other part of the planet.

So Jesus decided to make OJ a deputy angel, and gave him all the super powers that come with the title.  They were flying together over Panama when OJ spotted the pirate ship.  He flew down, flaming sword in hand, and stabbed the demons OJ style.

But then, OJ refused to relinquish his new power.  He came at Jesus and tried to slash him.  So Jesus smacked him upside his fat head, took his sword and stabbed him Jesus style, which is a little more frisky.  Then he flew to a strip club.

OBLIGATIONS

Jesus was an hour into a high speed chase with the California Highway Patrol. He was racing down the 5 freeway, heading to Mexico. He was sneaking  a prostitute out of the country for Tony "The Hacksaw" Fugazi, the most feared ethnic gangster in town. Jesus owed Tony big time because when Tony's ugly daughter needed a date to the prom, Jesus agreed to be her escort. But instead of taking her to the prom, Jesus sold her to  a rich Arab from Saudi Arabia. Anyway, if Jesus fucked up this mission, Tony would take a hacksaw to his beard, or something horrible like that.

Jesus didn't want anything bad to happen to his beard, and he was prepared. He waited for the first round of cops to organize behind, and pressed a button, releasing an army of razor-sharp, robot dildos from his trunk. The cops easily maneuvered their cars around the dildos, but that's what Jesus had expected. The dildos worked their way through the floor of the cop cars and into the cops' anuses. The cops died happy, and Jesus was able to put some distance between himself and round two.

Round two, having heard of their colleagues' demise, were terrified of Jesus. This allowed Jesus to get far enough ahead to set up a trap. He stopped and drew a giant circle on the freeway with a pentagram in the middle. He sprinkled some of his beer on it and said a little chant and opened up a portal to Detroit. Jesus stood on the far side of the portal and pretended like he was surrendering. The cops all drove up and fell into the portal.

So Jesus delivered Babette to Tony in Tijuana. "So, we're even now, right?" Jesus asked.

"No!" Tony yelled. "You sold my daughter to Arabs! She's probably getting raped by some sheikh right now!"

"Come on, a rich guy like that could do a lot better than you daughter. She's probably doing his laundry." Tony was mad, but he couldn't argue with Jesus' logic, so he thanked Jesus for the prostitute, and told him he hoped he'd never see him again. And he didn't.

CORONATION DAY

Jesus had plotted long and hard to ascend to the throne of England, and the day was finally here, today was Jesus' coronation day. There was only one thing that could ruin Jesus' good mood, the eighty foot monster that he accidentally freed from his underground prison last night. Jesus was getting dressed in his king outfit when he heard the monster sneaking around the city. Jesus looked through the window and had a good chuckle, there's nothing funnier than an eighty foot, acid-spitting parakeet tiptoeing around buildings, hoping no one notices it. But still, that monster had to die.

Jesus told his guards to start the ceremony without him, and he'd be there for the important part. Then, he grabbed his trusty bottle of monster poison and jumped up to the top of Big Ben to gain the high ground. Years ago, Jesus had learned how to do the perfect parakeet call from Alkawari, King of the Parakeets. He did his call now, and the monster was compelled to come closer. Jesus poured the poison over a handful of seeds and held out his hand towards the approaching beast.

The monster came up slowly, then pounced, eating all the poison seeds, and all of Jesus. Jesus could tell the poison was working quickly as he tumbled down the giant bird's esophagus or whatever. The monster tried to fly away, but died midair, and impaled itself on Big Ben.

Jesus chewed his way out of the bird's throat and climbed down. He had just enough time for a quick shower before receiving his crown. His first order of business was a stimulus package, free parakeet meat for everyone.

FOR THE HEART OF A COUNTESS

Jesus was posing as a gentleman in the court of King Louis XIV of France. He had his eye on the Countess Du Sacrebleu, but she was too busy with her annoying little dog, Hacksaw, to notice Jesus. Jesus watched as she pampered this asshole dog all day. He peeked around corners and used a mirror to peek under her door and under her dress. There was never a time when she was without Hacksaw.

Jesus formed a plan wherein he would destroy the real Hacksaw, disguise him as the dog and take his place in the sexy Countess' heart. First, he'd need to distract the Countess. So he went out in the streets disguised as a peasant and started the French Revolution.

While all the nobles were looking out the window, fearing that the peasants would touch them with their dirty hands, Jesus slipped into the Countess' room, naked, and threw Hacksaw out the window. He slowly transformed into a dog. Once every hair was in place, he had to perfect his bark.

After three hours of practice, Jesus was still no good at sounding like a dog. He just sounded like a man, a bozo, a schmoe. He got angry and started yelling and cursing. He carried on for a minute before turning around to see  an astonished Countess whats-her-name. "Hacksaw," she said, "you can talk?"

"Yes?" Jesus said.

Just then, peasants burst in and carried the Countess away to the guillotine. Luckily for Jesus, they weren't executing little dogs. One of the peasants brought Jesus home and gave him to his wife. She was dirtier than the Countess, but hey, a warm lap is a warm lap.