TRIAL OF THE CENTURY

Jesus was practicing his ninjutsu in the park one day, when some jerks came up and arrested him for vagrancy and indecent exposure (his Jesus-robe kept flying up when he did his high kicks and he wasn’t wearing any underwear.) 

During his trial, Jesus told the Judge that if he didn’t let him go, he would turn him into a pair of old lady panties, which he would then give to Paula Deen  “Well, she was hot at one point,” said the Judge. “No, she never was,” said everyone else.  So Jesus reached into his briefcase and got out all the things he would need for his panty ritual; some candles, a dead chicken, a bacon cheeseburger, etc… but the bailiff came and hit him with his nightstick before he could begin.

Just then, something amazing happened.  Something that changed the lives of everyone present forever; Jesus cried.  Nobody expected him to fall to his knees and cry like a homo.  He cried and drooled and crawled around.  The bailiff felt so bad that he gave his club to Jesus and told him he could hit him back.  But everyone knew that wasn’t fair.  Jesus hits like a woman, as illustrated in this graph:

So the Judge said that Jesus could hit the bailiff three times.  The bailiff said that two would probably do the trick, but the Judge hit his little hammer to show that his decision was final.

After the third hit, Jesus noticed a loose piece of skin on the bailiff’s neck.  He grabbed it and pulled, and the bailiff’s whole face came off, a mask!  It was Fred Savage all along.  The Judge ruled that Fred Savage was so ugly that the mask was to be put back and stapled on, and his face was never to be seen again.

Jesus saw his opportunity, and flew Superman-like through the roof to freedom, and spread the word of Fred Savage’s ugliness.

POLICE ACADEMY

Jesus had just joined the police academy so that he could do his part to keep the minorities in line.  Plus he was hoping to meet Steve Guttenberg and have zany miss-adventures with him.  When he got there on the first day, the instructor took one look at him and said, “You’re gonna have to shave that beard son.”

“Great,” said Jesus, “and next you’ll be telling me I have to get up early and wear pants.”  Jesus had a good hard laugh, but soon realized this wasn’t going to be as fun as he’d hoped. So he decided to make it fun.  He’d trick his instructor into going to his office late at night, then he’d sneak into the instructor’s house and trick the instructor’s wife into having sex with him.  So he called the instructor and said that he was the dean of the academy or whatever you call it, and told him that the president was going to be at his office to meet with him between 11 PM and 3AM.  He said to dress sharp and bring a baseball glove.  “Awesome!” yelled the instructor guy excitedly.  “Maybe he’s going to ask me to join his softball team!”

The instructor ran out of the house at 10:30, and Jesus snuck in through a window.  But the old woman inside was so ugly, that Jesus couldn’t bring himself to screw her more than twice.  Afterward, about a quarter to 11, Jesus decided to have even more fun.  He went down to the academy and cast a magic spell to make him look and sound like the president.

Jesus ran in naked and asked the instructor if he’d brought the glove.  The instructor showed it to him, and he took it, put his wiener in it and asked for a ride to Mexico.

Half way to Mexico, the instructor got curious and asked why he was naked, and why they were going to Mexico.  Jesus decided it was time to push this asshole out of the car at high speed, so he did.  The instructor hit the pavement hard, and Jesus jumped into the driver’s seat and backed up over him again and again, until he was nothing but a red smear on the highway.

Jesus then took the shape of the instructor, and headed back.  And that’s how Jesus became the instructor at the police academy.

LEADERSHIP

Jesus was the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, and they'd made it all the way to the Superbowl. Jesus gave his pregame pep-talk in the locker room showers, where he'd ordered everyone to take a knee. "Well, here we are men, naked. Just like the first time I met all of you. Nudity! Male nudity! It sound frightening to most people, but we embrace it. The Cleveland Browns. I think nudity is the key to winning here today, men. Male nudity."

Then the coach ran in and told Jesus to shut up. "Now get dressed and disregard everything Jesus said!"

The teams met at mid-field for the coin toss. Jesus called tails and the coin came up heads. The Lions got the ball and scored like thirty points to win the game. Jesus was mad, male nudity mad. He tried to get his team to storm into the other team's locker room, throw on some horrifying music, get naked and attack, but no one would do it.

Jesus went home, got naked and wrote a letter to his fans. "Dear fans," he wrote, "I've failed you. I can no longer live with the shame and herpes. By the time this letter is found, I will have thrown myself off the roof of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame which, I assume, is tall enough to severely cripple me, but not kill me. Which is just the sort of punishment I deserve, to live on like Larry Flint, a useless lump of a man."

Jesus then walked out into the alley, dressed a sleeping bum in his football uniform and teleported him into a precarious position atop the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

Jesus was lying naked on a cloud in Heaven, trying to get a suntan, but it seemed like every time he got comfortable, some other cloud would float in and block the sun. He needed somebody to control these jackass clouds for him. Someone who would also not laugh at his naked body. His mental list was dwindling. Then he felt the sun on his body again, the clouds had moved. Then another cloud blocked the sun. "Damn!"

Jesus pulled his iPhone from betwixt his legs and called Demi Lovato, of Disney Channel and banging Wilmer Valderrama fame. He told her that he needed her in Heaven right away. Demi began planning her suicide. The problem with suicide is that it lands you in Hell, which Demi found out after slowly suffocating herself with an expensive belt.

Demi found the Devil and asked where she could find Jesus. Satan pulled a Blackberry from betwixt his legs and phoned Jesus. "Jesus," he began, "there's a young woman here for you.... I don't know, maybe a seven....No, she's not pregnant.... What's your name sweetheart?" Demi introduced herself to Satan, who told Jesus.

"What!?" shouted Jesus. "I told that meatball I needed her here!"

"Did you commit suicide?" Satan asked Demi. She nodded with a smile. "Do you want to come get her? Or should I send her up the back way?"

"Aw, just keep her," Jesus resigned as he hung up the phone. The clouds were mostly gone now anyway.

JESUS IN LIZARD TOWN

Jesus was lost, hopelessly lost in an alternate dimension. He'd got here when his friend, Rob, made a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Anyway, Jesus and Rob were trapped int he dimension of the lizard people and needed to get home.

Jesus got very upset when the lizard people refused to pray to him. Rob tried to calm Jesus down with a soothing massage, but it was no good. "Why don't you guys just tell him he'd cool, so he can move on to finding us a way home?" Rob asked the lizard people. But the lizard people wouldn't worship Jesus because the already worshiped Lizard-Jesus.

When Lizard-Jesus found out that some inter-dimensional a-hole was trying to seduce his followers, he was pissed. He hopped onto his T-Rex and charged in to meet the usurper.

Jesus was in the center of Lizard Town, pulling the tails off of non-believers then smacking them around with their own tails. Lizard-Jesus rode up on his monstrous T-Rex and yelled, "Kill the Human-Jesus  and his annoying partner!"

"Ahhh!" Rob screamed as he ran for cover inside a lizard hole of some sort, only to find it inhabited by a lizard rapist (that is a lizard who rapes, not a rapist who rapes lizards. Although he's probably raped more than a few lizards in his day, what with living in Lizard Town and all, but he wasn't picky) who raped him.

Meanwhile, outside the lizard hole, Human-Jesus was being raped by Lizard-Jesus' T-Rex. After the rape party, Lizard-Jesus sent Human-Jesus and Rob back to their own dimension, where they were arrested for impregnating the Pope.