JESUS IN LOVE

Jesus was having a round with the guys to celebrate his victory over the Garzak demon, a huge hideous beast with twelve heads and seventeen necks, when in walked the most gorgeous blonde he’d ever seen.  

He walked right up to her and said, “Excuse me Miss, but I couldn’t help but see your fat stomach pour out over your pants.  And I’d just like to ask if I could slide my wiener up and down your fat ol’ gut for a couple of minutes before my bus leaves to go kill more demons.” Needless to say, the woman was flattered.  

Jesus got so into his penile rub down that he missed his bus.  So, he asked Sharron (the fat chick) for a ride.  She agreed, and they were off to adventure.

As she drove down the bumpy dirt road in Mexico, Jesus masturbated to the sight of her jiggly flesh.  And at that moment, life was perfect.

PILOT JESUS

Jesus was skydiving out of a plane he’d been flying with six people on board.  He had been flying around for a while and got bored, so he told a knock-knock joke, “Knock-knock,” he said.

“Who’s there?” said everybody else.

“Nobody,” he said.

“Nobody, who?” but when they looked to the cockpit, Jesus was gone.  Luckily, he’d left a crude drawing of himself masturbating while flying the plane, which showed his passengers how the controls worked.  So one dude, called Alfred, took the stick and jerked it wildly, and it shot hot goo on his face, and he screamed and crashed them all into a field full of cows.

Meanwhile, Jesus floated gently to the roof of a church, for a surprise sermon.  Everyone cheered and took pictures and sold them on eBay.  So Jesus went into his speech about how abstinence was the work of the devil, and how the bible was written by dudes who were high on goat piss (try it, it works).  Then he declared it orgy-time!

Everything was going great until some old man accidentally bumped into Jesus’ butt.  Jesus turned and picked him up by the neck and touched his butt.  Then Jesus declared it nap-time! When everyone was asleep, Jesus took all their money and belts.  Then, when they all woke up and had to hold their pants up, he took pictures and sold them on eBay. 

So Jesus walked into a field across the street from the church where he found two survivors from the plane crash eating the other four passengers.  “What are you doing?” Jesus asked.  “This is Wyoming, not the Alps.  There’s a McDonald’s a block away.”  So the survivors wandered away, ashamed of their cannibalism, leaving more meat for Jesus, all for Jesus.

SNUGGLING WITH JESUS

Jesus was whipping up a batch of cats to attack his neighbor, Joe, who was deathly allergic to cats.  Joe was basically a good guy, but Jesus never liked him. Recently, Joe had gone too far when he’d bought a more expensive car than Jesus. 

So Jesus sent his attack cats to snuggle Joe to death.  As Jesus watched the cats bounce playfully to their victim, he realized that he was jealous of them.  He wanted to snuggle Joe to death.  So he got out his crossbow and quickly killed or maimed all of his playful kittens.  Then he morphed into a giant but cuddly cat and headed to Joe’s. 

When he got there the door was closed, and Jesus was lost without his opposable thumbs.  He’d need a plan to get in.  He decided to make Joe a cat door and install it right away.  It took a few minutes to make a hole for the door.  Then he gave up on making the door and just went in through the hole.

Joe was sleeping upstairs, but Jesus had a few things he wanted to do around Joe’s house, like use the bathroom and rummage through the medicine cabinet.  So Jesus snooped about for a bit, then he accidentally knocked over Joe’s bust of Woody Allen and it smashed on the floor, waking Joe from his slumber.

Joe ran downstairs and was horrified to find a giant cat sweeping up in the hallway.  Joe turned and ran back upstairs and Jesus gave chase.  Joe ran into the bathroom and hid in the tub, crying, shaking and mumbling.  Jesus kicked the door open and saw this pitiful sight.  His heart was changed and he wanted to cheer Joe up.  So, forgetting that Joe was deathly allergic to him, he jumped into his lap and licked him into a deep coma, and he never woke up.

So Jesus robbed Joe, assumed his identity and flew to the Caribbean.

JESUS THE CLOWN II

Jesus offended people, by both the way he acted and the way he smelled.  He would dress up like a clown and go to birthday parties and arm wrestle kids for money.  One time he made the mistake of arm wrestling drunk.  He lost to some little girl, so he had to kill her and her parents and all her little friends so no one would be able to spread word of his shameful loss to a four-year-old girl.

But one little boy got away by hiding in the one place Jesus would never look, the freezer. (Jesus hated cold food.)  So this kid ran as soon as he got the chance.  He ran for several yards until he was caught by one of Jesus’ giant mousetraps.  He stayed there all pinned and broken until the cops got there.  Then he told everyone that Jesus was the culprit.  Then the cops, who were all Irish-Catholic, beat the kid’s face in for blaspheming.

So Jesus figured he was in the clear and started doing the robot right there in the street, while the cops all clapped and cheered.  But then out of nowhere, another witness appeared. It was Jon Lovitz doing his pathological liar character. Everyone had a good laugh and then they barbecued some food, and Jesus turned some sewer water into tea by adding some tea bags. 

Everyone went home happy except for Jesus, who locked himself out of his apartment.  So his options now were either:  ninja jump through the window, or use the spare key under the mat.  The choice was obvious.  Once inside, he put a frozen pizza in the oven and called the window repairman.