Jesus was wandering through the jungles of Thailand, going from village to village fighting his newest mortal enemy, cancer. He had his faithful pet jaguar, Ben, with him. Ben had the unique ability to sniff out cancer inside of people. Then Ben would tear them open and pull it out. Jesus just used his sword.
One day, Jesus and Ben came to the village of Scroo-Dik, where cancer was regarded as sacred. The local shaman, Thai-Johnny, had everybody convinced that cancer would help their crops grow. So when Jesus and Ben showed up and saved Thai-Johnny from the embarrassment of being wrong by murdering everyone, he decided to repay them by shamaning around for them for a while.
Thai-Johnny started by doing a little rain dance for them, but Jesus threw some cancer at him and told him to do a better dance... the Argentine Tango. But Thai-Johnny only knew the regular Tango. So Jesus and Thai-Johnny hopped onto Ben's back and flew to America, where Thai-Johnny could learn from dancing master Patrick Swayze.
When they got to America, Jesus remembered that Swayze was dead from cancer. They had to settle for the second best dancing master, TV's Carlton from The Fresh Prince. Carlton was fast asleep when the enthusiastic trio burst into his bedroom. Carlton woke up quickly and got started. Things were gong along nicely, until Ben got a good whiff of Carlton's wife...
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
JESUS' GUIDE TO SURVIVING ARMAGEDDON
Jesus was down on Earth again, telling all the regular folk how to survive the up-coming Armageddon he'd accidentally unleashed while working on his secret formula that would end brain-freeze for good. He showed them all how to build strong shelters, and raise and slaughter geese and stuff and also how to have heterosexual sex for procreation purposes. People started getting upset, because he was demonstrating these things on other people's wives, and other people's geese. After he'd been going around the world demonstrating for fifty years or so, people started to wonder where this fucking Armageddon was anyway.
Jesus noticed people getting antsy, and conjured up earthquakes and such. Little did the morons know, that all the shelters, geese and brothels were owned, sold and operated respectively by Jesus' friends, and everyone was making money. But one man was wise to Jesus' scheme.
Arnold Schwarzenegger figured it all out, but when he tried to tell people, they all just nodded and smiled like they always did. He'd need help if he was going to stop Jesus. But who could he turn to? He needed, not only, someone who could understand he wild, over-mouthed words, but someone who would take him seriously. His search seemed endless. No one could possibly meet those criteria.
So Arnold did the one thing he knew best, he went to the gym and shot himself full of steroids. Then, he picked up some machine guns and headed to Jesus' corporate headquarters. He burst into the lobby and started killing people indiscriminately. He got in the elevator and hit the penthouse button, and then Armageddon came, proving that Jesus had been telling the truth all along, and boy was Arnold's face red.
Jesus noticed people getting antsy, and conjured up earthquakes and such. Little did the morons know, that all the shelters, geese and brothels were owned, sold and operated respectively by Jesus' friends, and everyone was making money. But one man was wise to Jesus' scheme.
Arnold Schwarzenegger figured it all out, but when he tried to tell people, they all just nodded and smiled like they always did. He'd need help if he was going to stop Jesus. But who could he turn to? He needed, not only, someone who could understand he wild, over-mouthed words, but someone who would take him seriously. His search seemed endless. No one could possibly meet those criteria.
So Arnold did the one thing he knew best, he went to the gym and shot himself full of steroids. Then, he picked up some machine guns and headed to Jesus' corporate headquarters. He burst into the lobby and started killing people indiscriminately. He got in the elevator and hit the penthouse button, and then Armageddon came, proving that Jesus had been telling the truth all along, and boy was Arnold's face red.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
NURSERY RHYMES AND TORTURE
Jesus was grinding the bones of an Englishman to make his bread, when suddenly, in walked a butcher and a candlestick-maker demanding to take a bath. And then, Jesus woke up to find one of his arch enemies, Butch, burning him with a lit cigarette. Butch had Jesus tied to a table with a bunch of medieval torture devices surrounding them.
Butch put the cigarette into Jesus' eye, and Jesus laughed. Butch found this very disconcerting. Jesus then disappeared in a puff of cigarette smoke. Butch coughed, and Jesus' disembodied laughter filled the room. Butch ran out of the dungeon, and Jesus followed. Jesus summoned some baby demons and floated about all smokey and watched as Butch had to fight for his soul.
Around the time Butch ripped the head off the last baby demon, Jesus started to get angry. He flew to Butch's house to complain to Butch's mom about how mean he was being. But when he got there, Butch's mom told him that her son had died in a car crash twelve years ago. A shiver ran down Jesus' spine as he backed away slowly.
Suddenly, a cloud of cigarette smoke filled the room. Jesus' eyes twitched a little, and he readied his dehumidifier. Then a butcher and a candlestick-maker walked in and demanded to take a bath. Jesus and Smoke-Butch just looked at each other. "Are you dreaming?" Butch asked.
Butch put the cigarette into Jesus' eye, and Jesus laughed. Butch found this very disconcerting. Jesus then disappeared in a puff of cigarette smoke. Butch coughed, and Jesus' disembodied laughter filled the room. Butch ran out of the dungeon, and Jesus followed. Jesus summoned some baby demons and floated about all smokey and watched as Butch had to fight for his soul.
Around the time Butch ripped the head off the last baby demon, Jesus started to get angry. He flew to Butch's house to complain to Butch's mom about how mean he was being. But when he got there, Butch's mom told him that her son had died in a car crash twelve years ago. A shiver ran down Jesus' spine as he backed away slowly.
Suddenly, a cloud of cigarette smoke filled the room. Jesus' eyes twitched a little, and he readied his dehumidifier. Then a butcher and a candlestick-maker walked in and demanded to take a bath. Jesus and Smoke-Butch just looked at each other. "Are you dreaming?" Butch asked.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY
Jesus wanted to rob a train, like in an old western movie, where somebody robs a train. He knew a guy at Cash 4 Gold who told him that a shipment of melted down gold was being moved by train through New Mexico in four days. He would need a gun, a back-up gun, a bandanna, some rope, a knife and the pony he'd been asking for for Christmas/his birthday since he was eight month old.
Jesus used his beard to fly to Texas, where he'd have to steal or borrow a horse, depending on his mood. When he got to Texas, he was disappointed to learn that nobody rode horses anymore except jockeys, and he was too big to be a jockey. So he decided to steal a motorcycle, the horse of the future. He found out about a Dallas based motorcycle club called, "The Jesus Lovers." They were a Christian organization of some kind or another, and Jesus figured he'd fit right in like a metaphor. He asked around and found out the Lover frequented a local church. He crept in one night while they were doing something else I guess, and stole the Prez's bike. He left a note promising to return it along with a bar of gold.
As Jesus rode to New Mexico, Jesus wondered if it might have been easier to just get a bike in New Mexico, but you know what they say about hind sight, that it's really fucking annoying. He got to New Mexico just two hours before the train and waited. While waiting, he practiced his train robbing voice, but just couldn't get it right. He lost a lot of confidence, but in the end he got all the gold safely back to Heaven. He returned the motorcycle as promised, and only killed sixteen kittens.
Jesus used his beard to fly to Texas, where he'd have to steal or borrow a horse, depending on his mood. When he got to Texas, he was disappointed to learn that nobody rode horses anymore except jockeys, and he was too big to be a jockey. So he decided to steal a motorcycle, the horse of the future. He found out about a Dallas based motorcycle club called, "The Jesus Lovers." They were a Christian organization of some kind or another, and Jesus figured he'd fit right in like a metaphor. He asked around and found out the Lover frequented a local church. He crept in one night while they were doing something else I guess, and stole the Prez's bike. He left a note promising to return it along with a bar of gold.
As Jesus rode to New Mexico, Jesus wondered if it might have been easier to just get a bike in New Mexico, but you know what they say about hind sight, that it's really fucking annoying. He got to New Mexico just two hours before the train and waited. While waiting, he practiced his train robbing voice, but just couldn't get it right. He lost a lot of confidence, but in the end he got all the gold safely back to Heaven. He returned the motorcycle as promised, and only killed sixteen kittens.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
TERROR ON THE HIGH SEAS
Jesus was aboard Red-Beard's pirate ship, as a prisoner. He had been floating about at sea for days until Red-Beard's men fished him out with a net. They chained him up inside the ship somewhere and refused to share their rum with him.
But at night, Jesus would easily slip out of his chains and wander about the ship, pretending to be a ghost. Pirates are terribly superstitious, so when they started to think the ship was haunted by a white, middle-eastern ghost, the talks of mutiny began. Red-Beard tried to talk the stupid out of his men, but reason got him nowhere. So, he had to resort to forcing his whole crew to walk the plank.
This left only Jesus and Red-Beard aboard the ship, and Red-Beard still refused to share his rum with Jesus. So Jesus used his magic to turn the rum into Mt. Dew. Of course, Red-Beard had no idea what Mt. Dew was,(it hadn't been invented yet) he just knew it was horrible. Pirates are terribly superstitious, so Red-Beard began to suspect that his dead crew was back for revenge.
Red-Beard was so emphatic in his fear, that he convinced Jesus the dead crew was after them both, despite the fact that Jesus knew for a fact that the crew was in Hell right now building Satan's Elk's Lodge. Pirates are terribly superstitious, so Red-Beard got out his Ouija Board, and the two of them held a seance.
They were able to contact the ghost of William Shakespeare, which was weird because he wasn't born yet. Anyway, Shakespeare pulled the ship through some kind of time warp, and that's how Jesus and Red-Beard came to run a pirate themed tourist attraction in Tampa Bay.
But at night, Jesus would easily slip out of his chains and wander about the ship, pretending to be a ghost. Pirates are terribly superstitious, so when they started to think the ship was haunted by a white, middle-eastern ghost, the talks of mutiny began. Red-Beard tried to talk the stupid out of his men, but reason got him nowhere. So, he had to resort to forcing his whole crew to walk the plank.
This left only Jesus and Red-Beard aboard the ship, and Red-Beard still refused to share his rum with Jesus. So Jesus used his magic to turn the rum into Mt. Dew. Of course, Red-Beard had no idea what Mt. Dew was,(it hadn't been invented yet) he just knew it was horrible. Pirates are terribly superstitious, so Red-Beard began to suspect that his dead crew was back for revenge.
Red-Beard was so emphatic in his fear, that he convinced Jesus the dead crew was after them both, despite the fact that Jesus knew for a fact that the crew was in Hell right now building Satan's Elk's Lodge. Pirates are terribly superstitious, so Red-Beard got out his Ouija Board, and the two of them held a seance.
They were able to contact the ghost of William Shakespeare, which was weird because he wasn't born yet. Anyway, Shakespeare pulled the ship through some kind of time warp, and that's how Jesus and Red-Beard came to run a pirate themed tourist attraction in Tampa Bay.
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