INFESTED

Jesus was running an orange orchard down in Florida, and there was a terrible fruit fly infestation. Jesus suspected that his dad was to blame, because he was always infesting places with bugs. But why would he do something like this to Jesus, when Jesus was trying so hard to make an honest go of things?

"I can sit here and speculate about that all day, or I can plot out an overly complicated revenge," Jesus said to himself. "Or," Jesus jumped up in a flash, "I can disguise myself as a fruit fly and try to infiltrate their political ranks and break down their system from the inside!"

So Jesus turned himself into a fruit fly and headed into the orchard. The only problem was, Jesus turned himself into a Mexican fruit fly, but the fruit flies infesting his orchard were Jamaican fruit flies. Jesus had to improvise, "Hey, mon," he said to the nearest fly, "how 'bout dis wedder we havin'?...Mon?"

They were on to him! "Grab him!" yelled Franky, the leader of the tribe or what have you. Once Jesus was captured, it didn't take the fruit flies long to realize that this jerk was the owner of the orange orchard they were infesting, and also the son of the man that sent them here.

"I just want to live the peaceful life of an orange farmer!" Jesus screamed as they tortured him.

"You should have thought of that before you banged your dad's girlfriend!" Franky said.

"He's still mad about that?" Jesus asked. "That was like... two hours ago!" But Jesus knew he'd done wrong. So, he took his punishment like a man/fruit fly, then flew to heaven to bang God's girlfriend again.

OFF TO THE RACES

Jesus was all into horse racing lately. He decided to start looking into buying a horse of his own to race. He picked up the Penny Saver one day looking for cheap horses and found several interesting prospects. He decided on a stallion called Rape-Her-Softly, because it reminded him of his father.

Jesus hopped into his lavender Mustang convertible and headed to Norco, Ca, former horse semen consumption capital of the world, losing out the past several years to whatever city Justin Bieber lives in. The owner of the horse was a fat guy named Bill.  The add said the horse was selling for $4,000, but when Jesus got there, he saw the horse only had three legs.

"I'll give you $20," Jesus said.

"$3,950," Bill countered. This went on for a while until Jesus agreed to buy Rape-Her-Softly for $50 and a copy of Jurassic Park on VHS.

Now all Jesus had to do was make Rape-Her-Softly a bad-ass new bionic leg, which he did shortly thereafter. He also decided this horse needed a new name, so he chose Rape-Her-Hydraulically. Also, because of the bionic leg, the horse didn't need a jockey.

Jesus walked around the owner's box the day of his first big race trying to start up rivalries by spitting in people's mint juleps and cleavage. But this was one of those Southern sports where spitting is perfectly acceptable. Anyway, the race started, and everything was going great until Rape-Her-Hydraulically was disqualified for shooting lasers from his bionic leg. So Jesus was banned from racing, and started a new business, selling horse-meat sandwiches.

JESUS VS. THE BRIDGE PATROL

Jesus was pretending to fish off a bridge in San Francisco.  He had a line cast out into the sparkling waters below and a bucket of fish flopping about next to him. His trap was set, now all he had to do was wait for Jenny, that cute chick from the Bridge Patrol, to come and arrest him for fishing in a no fishing zone.

After about thirty minutes, Jesus noticed Sal, the big burly guy from Bridge Patrol, heading his way. He was coming to kick Jesus and all his equipment into the water again, and Jesus couldn't let that happen. He got  up to meet Sal halfway, and ask him when that Jenny chick would be working again, but Sal was in no mood for words. He punched Jesus right in the collar bone and kicked his bucket-o-fish into the water below.

"What the Hell!?" Jesus yelled. "You just punched me int he collar bone! You suck!"

And Sal said, "If I suck, how come I got this awesome truck?" He pointed out his lifted, 4-door Silverado.

Jesus pretended to ponder Sal's question for a moment, then he kicked Sal in the shin and made a run for Oakland, which is well outside the Bridge Patrol's jurisdiction. Sal radioed for back up. Before Jesus reached the end of the bridge, he was cut off by Jenny. She had her gun drawn and looked super hot, like a blow torch with titties. Jesus collided with Jenny and they both fell from the bridge in a passionate embrace. Jesus copped a good feel of Jenny's titties and ass on the way down, and when they woke up in Heaven, she gave him a good slap for it. Totally worth it.

PLUNDERING THE PLEWELS OF PLUTO

Jesus was mining for jewels on Pluto, which was no longer subject to the interplanetary mining laws now that it had been declassified as a planet. Pluto is super dark and scary, even during the day, and Jesus was more than a little creeped out.  He was pulling out plewels left and right on a Plusday morning when he first heard the noises. It was a sort of soft scratching, like a large rodent digging for bugs to eat, or plewels to hoard.

"Who's there?" Jesus called out.

Silence.

"I have a plun!" he called out. "That's a Pluto gun!" he explained.

Jesus slowly backed up, away from the noises and tripped over his own pickaxe and fell hard on the ground. That's when a swarm of plabbits with giant teeth and claws and ball sacks and crossbows surrounded him. They grabbed Jesus and took him back to their underground kingdom for questioning, and a plavity search.

As the lead plabbit pulled on his rubber gloves, Plesus pulled out his secret pleapon, a plenade! The plabbits understood enough physics to know that Jesus could collapse their kingdom into nothing, but they were never going to let him leave with all their plewels etc. Jesus and the lead plabbit stared each other down. It was a Plexican stand-off. Jesus was about to start negotiating for some of the plewels when he accidentally dropped the plenade.

They all woke up in Pleaven, and Jesus quickly hopped on the bus to Heaven before he had to explain things to Plod.

HOW TO TRAP A DEITY

Jesus was sitting at home eating ice cream and playing video games when his girlfriend, Virginia, called and said she was pregnant. Jesus told her she had the wrong number and hung up.  Two hours later, she knocked on his door. Jesus hid in the attic and threw rocks at her through the little attic window.

Virginia had been expecting Jesus' rock throwing tactic, as it was his preferred method of dealing with Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and black people. The rocks bounced harmlessly off her hard hat as she yelled, "I'm not leaving!"

Jesus had been expecting Virginia's hard had tactic, as she'd seen him throw rocks at literally thousands of people. Luckily, any minute now, Jesus' uncle Satan would be there to take Jesus fishing in Hell. He would know what to do.

Just then, Satan appeared in a pillar of fire. He was wearing a fishing hat and vest with all sorts of lures on them, and rubber fishing boots. "What are we doing in the attic?" Satan asked. Jesus explained, and soon Satan had devised a plan both brilliant and diabolical.

"Diarrhea," he said.

"That's brilliant!" Jesus shouted as he turned to stick his ass out the window and poop diarrhea on Virginia.

"No," Satan shouted. "We give her diarrhea, then laugh while she poops her pants."

"It's subtle," Jesus opined, "but it just might work."

Much to the surprise of both Jesus and Satan, Virginia had been expecting this tactic. She crossed her arms and diarrheaed defiantly into her adult diaper. "I'm still not leaving!" she yelled. So Jesus was forced to spend the next eighteen years raising his bastard daughter.