MR. JESUS GOES TO WASHINGTON

Jesus was sick of girls turning down his indecent proposals, so he decided to run for Congress. His local Congressman, Pedro Salazar, was too Mexican for Jesus anyway so he turned him into a Frenchman named Pierre Sevousplaisez, but that was too French, so Jesus killed him… violently, with a cinderblock.

So Jesus started his campaign. His big platform issue was, "Pants, who needs them?" Jesus had tried hard for centuries to get everyone to ditch their pants and follow his tan-dress wardrobe ideas. He had a highly publicized business failure a while back; nobody wanted to wear Jesus’ dress. So he was going to make it a law that everyone had to wear dresses, and chicks had to wear really short dresses, and no panties.

He won by a landslide, but only because he was running unopposed. So Jesus set about interviewing interns at a D.C. kindergarten. "The trick is to get ‘em young," Jesus explained to the teacher, "that way you can train ‘em not to call the cops when you do illegal shit." The teacher just stared at Jesus with a horrified expression on her face, so Jesus picked up a chair and beat her until she was unconscious. Then he grabbed two little girls up under his arms and smashed through the window to freedom.

Jesus’ limo driver, Theo, had slashed all the tires in the parking lot so no one could follow. Once they were safe in Jesus’ high security compound, Jesus kissed Theo on the cheek then punched him in the kidney. This was Jesus’ way of saying, "Good job Theo, but you’re fired anyway!" Theo didn’t get it, so Jesus spelled it out in a little note and shoved it up Theo’s nose.

Then he took the two girls up stairs and prepared the cages they would call home. Just then, Theo came up the stairs with a samurai sword. "The girls are rightfully mine!" Theo shouted.

"What? By what logic?" Jesus asked, incredulously.

"Alright, we’ll split ‘em 50/50, length-wise."

"I don’t negotiate with boners!"

"Boners?!" Theo yelled as he lunged at Jesus. Jesus busted out his nunchucks and they battled for just long enough for the girls to get away and call the cops.

Jesus and Theo spent a few years in prison together and became good friends again, until Jesus stole Theo’s Jello….

JESUS VS. MI6

“Jesus P. Christ: Attorney at Law.  What the fuck?” asked Jesus as he read the sign on the door.  “An imposter!”  Jesus crashed through the door like a mongoose on steroids and saw some fat dude in a wig and fake beard.  “You!” Jesus said as he recognized the imposter.  It was William Frawley, TV’s Fred Mertz.

Jesus had helped Old Bill out plenty of times, and now to see him try and pull some stupid shit like this really sent Jesus over the edge.  He started looking through Bill’s drawers and throwing things about wildly.  Then he found Bill’s License to Kill. 

“So all this time you’ve been a British agent?” Jesus said. 

“Yes,” Bill said, “and we know all about your plan to unleash your swarm of undiapered flying babies over London.  You won’t get away with it!”

“I already have,” Jesus laughed, “I already have!”

But Bill had one last trick up his sleeve- he threw some dirt in Jesus’ face, temporarily blinding him and seriously pissing him off.  Then he ran faster than a fat chick at a dick buffet and hid behind a curtain while Jesus searched furiously for him.

Jesus kicked over a table, but Bill wasn’t there.  He turned on the blender, but Bill wasn't  there either.  Then Jesus saw a big red ‘X’ on the floor and stood on top of it hoping it would somehow solve his problems.  But it was really Bill’s booby trap!

Jesus fell through the floor and onto a bed with two skanks on it. “Skanks, my one weakness!  Well, skanks and dirt in my eye.  And cocaine and puppy dogs and those little toothpicks with the colored plastic at the top that they put in sandwiches.”

So anyway, Jesus was forced to have dirty sex with the skanks… the dirtiest.  When he emerged three days later, his babies had all been euthanized, and Bill was waiting for him with a cage made out of those toothpicks.  Thus the world was safe from Jesus… for now.

LITTLE LOST PUP'

Jesus was wandering the streets flipping cars over rooftops looking for his lost puppy.  “Jesus Jr.!” he shouted as he peed on a rich old lady in a mink coat.  It turned out she hadn’t seen his dog though, so he put up flyers advertising a reward, an “eternal” reward, which actually cost Jesus nothing.

So now that Jesus had all this extra cash from not paying any reward, and not owning a dog, he decided to go on a shopping spree.  But that quickly escalated to a nipple-rubbing spree, which once again, cost nothing.  So what to do with all this cash?  He considered giving it to charity, which would be the Christian thing to do, but the thought made him vomit blood all over a rich old pimp in a mink coat.

That’s when it hit him: a little kid.  Jesus punted this punk-ass kid across the schoolyard, then ran home and saw his puppy on TV.  Jesus Jr. was anchoring the local news in a little sports-coat and tie.

The thing that really surprised Jesus was that Jr. was speaking perfect English, with a slight Canadian accent.  “He never told me he was Canadian!” Jesus said furiously.  Jesus now wanted revenge on Jesus Jr. for lying, and he knew just how to get it... anally.

He said a little chant and some demons appeared and wrecked the place, then Jesus got control of them.  He sent them to the puppy’s dressing room and had them rape him for 100 years with a  bucket. Then he had the demons make him a pie... a delicious one!

JESUS AND THE SOAP-BOX RACER

Jesus was building a soap-box racer for the big father/son downhill race, but his dad was too busy “running the universe” to help him build his car. Of course, Jesus knew his dad was really just deathly ill. It started with a cough a few months ago, and of course some aches and pains. He had been anxiously awaiting the results of his blood tests and Jesus had been wandering in and throwing tools at him and dropping other subtle hints that they should be working on the downhill racer, or the Deadly Panda, as Jesus had named it. But God kept mumbling about wasting his whole life raising Jesus and never accomplishing anything worthwhile.  

He used to dream about owning a bookstore. He wanted to sell tacos out front and porno in the back. But then imaccidentally conceived Jesus with some random sleeping girl, and was forced to raise him on his own. Now it looked like he might die and he’d never get his chance. “You know what’s worthwhile Dad?” Jesus asked, “Downhill racing. Just think, if we win the race you wont be a complete and utter failure, and your life wont be meaningless, you wont wish you’d never been born, you can finally be proud of something, you…” 

Jesus was in the middle of cheering God up when God got the phone call. Jesus wandered off as his dad listened intently into the receiver. “Thank you,” God said as he hung up the phone. Jesus came back in with some more tools to throw at God. God looked him square in the eye and said, “Son, you’re never going to be able to do everything in life you've always wanted. It’s a cruel world out there and you've got to be able to watch your own sack. Now I've got to go find a team of Mexicans to build my taco/porn bookstore and get to work.” And with that, he put on his God-robe and headed out the door down Home Depot-way.

AT THE MICHAEL BOLTON SHOW

Jesus was sitting at home counterfeiting condoms, when his rhythm was rudely interrupted by sexy cheerleaders who were going around door-to-door giving our free Michael Bolton tickets. "This isn’t charity," Jesus said, "you just want to get rid of these so you wont have to go see Michael Bolton yourselves!" So Jesus tied the sexy cheerleaders up with bungee cords and forced them to go to the show, naked and tied up and barfed upon.

Anyway, while he was walking around outside the show waiting to drive the girls home, he started looking into cars for treasure and stuff. He came across Michael Bolton’s car. He looked left and right, then sucked in his gut and squeezed through the small crack in the window and found out that ’84 Geo Trackers are as shitty on the inside as they are on the outside. Then he found an envelope full of pictures of Kenny G. playing his gay saxophone while Bolton blew him. So he put the pictures in his pocket, replaced Bolton’s condoms with counterfeits and headed to the stage, where he could out Bolton in front of dozens of his fans.

He found a back door and snuck in and pretended to be a hot groupie by cutting his robe short and showing some cleavage. He slowly made his way to the stage, but on the way he took a wrong turn and ended up in the lady’s room. At first the ladies screamed, but once they were all gagged and duct taped to toilets and barfed upon, they really seemed to appreciate the pictures. And then even more so when Jesus explained that they weren’t of him but of Michael Bolton.

So he moved on to the little backstage room, where he was assaulted sexually by several roadies and a guy who kinda looked like Luigi from Super Mario Bro. He made it to the stage just in time to hear the last number and then jump on stage with the pictures held high. But no one seemed to mind. One old lady was heard to say, "Something about seeing a man suck another man off is just sexy!"

Anyway, Jesus made a mental note to ban Bolton from heaven, and thus began yet another battle between Jesus and his Uncle, the Devil.

BATHROOM MIRACLE

Jesus was arguing with some kids at school one day. They never believed his crazy stories. "I’m telling you guys, if you keep flushing the toilet again and again and again, eventually, the water turns into wine."

"No way!" bellowed Bobby Billinsky, the baritone bully of Brownberry Elementary. The school Jesus was bothering these kids at was named after Sir Bradford Brownberry of the Bangkok Brownberrys, famous for inventing a revolutionary new system for building bionic babies out of broken bowling balls, and springs.

Anyway, Bobby was all, "No way!"

And Jesus was all, "Yuh huh!"

And the principal was all, "Get out of here, pervert, or I’m calling the cops!" Terrified of going to prison, Bobby ran home, leaving Jesus to bring fear to the school children.

Jesus had never been a bully before, but he had had several "incidents" with local fat people lately. So he started holding kids upside down in the toilet and turning the toilet water into wine. But then he thought, "Why am I wasting all this booze on kids?"

So he threw all the little girls out of the girl’s room and started making all kinds of different wines in the toilets. He had a special way of tasting them all with tampons. He would spend hours dipping them in and sucking on them. Sometimes he would find one that he thought had been dipped in red wine, but it was something else, something magical.

After Jesus had his bomb shelter stocked full of wine, he knew it was time to unleash the nuclear holocaust, but first, he needed so many vaginas to hold him over for a few centuries, you know, until mankind reemerges from the sea. So he set forth, on foot, to retrieve some fresh and pungent vaginas.

Eating some Froot Loops so he could "follow his nose," he sniffed his way to a church and kidnapped several young girls between the ages of twelve and sixteen. His first thought had been nuns, but then he remembered that chicks only become nuns when they’re too ugly to get a man, which just goes to show you that The Sound of Music is complete bullshit.

So Jesus sexed it up with these girls until they were too old (20), then he cloned them and started anew after launching the old (20 year old) into the nuclear wasteland. He did this over and over again until man reemerged and everything was back to normal.

JESUS GOES TO HELL

            Jesus had been having nothing but trouble on Earth, so he decided to kick it in Heaven for a while.  Besides, the big sumo match between Buddha and Andre the Giant was tomorrow.  At last years sumo match, he had a few too many beers and nachos, and he spent most of the match in the loo.  But this year he was intent on cheering for his old nemesis, Andre.  They used to hate each other, but made amends after Andre hooked Jesus up with his sister Andrea.  She looked pretty much like her bother, but with one key difference.  Andrea refused to give to charities.  And nothing turns Jesus on more than indifference.

            So anyway, Jesus met up with all the apostles except one (Judas, that rat bastard) for a big party at his luxury penthouse flat.  Pope Pious VI crashed the party with some chicks, drugs and party hats.  It was a good time for everybody, until Jesus’ old man called the cops.  Jesus threw himself on the floor and beat his fists on the ground. 

            “You don’t love me!” he cried, “I’m going to live with Uncle Satan!”

            “Fine, you go live with your uncle, but when you end up dead in a gutter, don’t come crying to me!”

            “Sweet,” cried Jesus “no more rules for me.”  And with a wave of his middle finger, he was packed and ready to go.

            When he arrived in Hell, Satan greeted him with a hug.  “Sorry I missed your birthday, kid.”

            “That’s cool.  I peed in your Pepsi a little while ago.”

            “You know kid, if we combined our powers, we could easily conquer the world.”

            “I don’t think so.  Running the world turned my dad into a square.”

            “Yeah.”

“Plus on Earth, those girls shave off all their body hair.”

“Gross!”

            So Jesus and Satan spent the day with Hitler and Stalin, gang banging Marilyn Monroe.  And that night, they had some lobster.

            Jesus’ voice over: “You know, I’ve spent a lot of time with that uncle of mine.  But I’ll never forget that time that God and me beat the Atlanta Falcons to win Super Bowl XVII.  Those were the best days of my life.”

            Remembering the good ol’ days made Jesus homesick.  He began to think, maybe God wasn’t so bad after all.  So he punched Satan in the throat, grabbed his lobster and went home.