JESUS AND TED THE DRAGON SLAYER

Fire raged through the American Mid-West; the devastation left by the Black Dragon.  The president pressed the red button on his desk and suddenly the night sky was lit up by… the Jesus Signal.

Jesus and his man ward, Ted the Dragon Slayer, sprang into action.  They ran into their bedroom closet and slid down the poles hidden there, all the way down to the bottom (which happened to be the stage at a strip club.)  Jesus and Ted looked at each other and laughed at the stripper clothes they were dressed in, then remembered they were in a hurry and ran off to the pentagon.

When they got there, the Secretary of Defense was all, “What do you need to save the day?”

To which Jesus replied, “I need twenty gallons of Pepsi, a big screen TV, a comfy chair, a bottle of baby oil and a copy of Bitches Behind Bars!”

And Ted said, “I’ll have the same, but make mine Burgerz behind bars.”

Jesus and Ted shared a good hard laugh.  Then Jesus pushed the secretary over a chair and magically transported himself and Ted, the Man Wonder, to the dragon’s hideout, or cave, or five star hotel or wherever he was, and concocted a great plan for victory.

“So tell me again this great plan, Jesus,” Ted said.

“Okay, but first we’ll need some supplies.  Quick, to the 7-11!”   And then they magically transported there.

At the 7-11, Jesus started sticking various items into Ted’s cloak because he didn’t have any money or pockets.  Ted got all nervous and lame, “What if we get caught?” he asked.  Jesus slapped Ted and said he’d bury him up to his neck in Rosie O’Donell’s swampy vagina if he didn’t do it.

So Ted, fearing his immortal soul would forever smell like swampy vagina, walked out with a bunch of shit from 7-11 and ran off.  Jesus saw his chance and called the cops and turned him in for the reward.  But when he found out there was no reward, he became furious and started rampaging through the American Mid-West, until he ran into the Black Dragon.

They wrestled, and hollered, and rammed, and burned, and spat, and gargled, and churned, and beat, and decapitated, and shared a moment, and cried, and jammed, and jellied, and tussled, and recapitated, and brawled, and rumbled, and squished, and shimmied and finally the dragon gave up and America was safe, no thanks to Ted.

QUEST FOR THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE UNIVERSE

Jesus was doing the laundry one-day when he found a cat’s head in the dryer. "It must have fallen out of my pocket," he said. But as he examined it further, he realized that it wasn’t his. This started him on his famous quest to find the hottest chick in the universe.

He knew just the place to start looking, Rob Schneider’s house. So he called Rob and told him he needed his help to find the hottest chick. But Rob just laughed and told Jesus that if he even looked at one of his hoes, he would tell everyone how Jesus got to be assistant manager over at the bowling alley. Jesus decided that he didn’t want people to hear about him and his plot to climb the corporate ladder with his one good hand.

His next idea was to set up a trap inside the local strip club. It was a crude trap consisting of a Japanese businessman under a box propped up with a stick. Jesus caught plenty of strippers, but they were all old and full of herpes.

So he hopped on his flying kayak and was off to planet Globoolack. Globoolack had long boasted the hottest chick in the universe, but she was paved over to make way for a strip mall parking lot. But Jesus was sure there would be an almost equally hot chick somewhere on this silly purple planet. So he started tearing the roofs off of homes until he found some hot chicks, whom he shook up until they barfed. Then he smashed up the town a little more.

Then, Jesus looked to the sky and found what he was looking for. She looked like Keeley Hazell, Lexi Belle and Flo from the Progressive commercial all at once, only way hotter. Jesus came in his pants, then he went home, had a shower and went to sleep, his task completed.

JESUS AND THE MYSTERIOUS BABY

Jesus was sewing a patch over a hole in his Jesus robe in his ridiculously dirty living room in Texas. Normally he wouldn’t have bothered, but this hole was right in front of his crotch and people were starting to complain.  He was almost done, when there was a mysterious knock at the door.  Jesus opened the door and a mysterious UPS man handed him a mysterious package, and asked him to sign for it for some mysterious reason.  Jesus hated writing so much that he took the package and, using his bare ass, tore the mysterious heart out of this mysterious UPS man, which then mysteriously stopped beating.

Jesus threw the package on the floor, turned on “The Price is Right” and went back to his sewing.  The package soon started jumping and dancing about.  Jesus opened the box, and out popped a baby.  The baby jumped up and latched itself onto Jesus’ face, and the umbilical cord went down his throat and started seeking nourishment in Jesus’ stomach, but found nothing but other babies trying to get out for nourishment.

Jesus took this baby outside and was about to put him in the trash when his neighbor, Dr. Phil, came out.  So Jesus had to pretend that he and this baby were friends.  Dr. Phil asked all kinds of dumbass questions, and all Jesus could come up with was how he found the baby cooling on a windowsill, and how he planned on raising him up to be a good Christian boy who loves his daddy, and hates blacks and Jews.  Dr. Phil approved and went inside.

Once the coast was clear, Jesus threw the baby away and went back to his sewing, without ever wondering who had sent him the mysterious baby.

JESUS AND THE PIZZA DEFENSE BOT 5000

Jesus always saved his change.  At the end of the day, he’d come home and pull all of the change out of his pocket and put it in a sock.  Then, he’d sit back, relax, order a pizza and beat the pizza guy with a sock full of change until he’d just give the pizza to Jesus.

But today, things would be different.  See the pizza joint was hip to Jesus’ plan, so they built the Pizza Defense Bot 5000, or Joe, as he’d been nicknamed by the engineers who built him.  So anyway, Jesus ordered his pizza and readied his weapon for the melee.  The doorbell rang, Jesus’ fist tightened around the sock, he opened the door, WHAM! Girlscout down! 

Jesus had a flashback of Vietnam, or Franco-Prussia, or his grandmother’s funeral or something ‘cause he started jumping from rooftop to rooftop, beating down everyone he came across.

That defense bot Joe thing came rolling around the corner with a little hat on, and his Jesus-targeting lasers armed.  Jesus bashed him with the coin-loaded sock, no effect!  Joe’s lasers fired, but Jesus was in full combat mode.  He jumped to the right, and the laser blast only singed his sandal.  Then Jesus’ senses returned to him; he had full control of his faculties.  He pulled out his secret weapon, a rocket launcher. Time seemed to stop. It was a Mexican standoff, only not as filthy. They stood fifty paces apart and glared at each other for a good twenty seconds. Jesus could sense Joe’s mind weakening. He raised his eyebrow and intensified his glare. He began altering Joe’s programming with his mind. Turning him from the Pizza Defense Bot to the Jesus Defense Bot! Then the two of them teamed up and started smashing up the place, twice as good!

Jesus and his robot pal became good friends, and even went to China together, but they had some trouble with the rickshaw driver and decided to leave without tipping him.  Then, the pizza engineers found out that Joe had betrayed them, so they activated his self-destruct program.  Jesus could do nothing but watch his friend implode, and then go for revenge, rich, soupy revenge.

So Jesus got on a bus headed for Pizza Inc. HQ.  The bus was full of people who were on their way home from a soccer game, so they were all sad.  Jesus decided to sing a few songs to cheer everyone up.  While he sang, he added these backwards brainwashing messages, and had everyone on the bus go to the pizza place and start a riot to distract the guards while Jesus ran upstairs to find the president’s office.

Jesus ran right into the president’s office and grabbed that filthy mother-fucker by the throat, then put him down and filed a formal complaint.  The president apologized and gave Jesus a coupon good for one free pizza. 

JESUS AND THE FRENCH TREASURE

Jesus sat in his swivel-chair, deep in his underground lair, watching his favorite porno while he studied his treasure map, given to him by the king of France in 1612.  That was a dreary time, when everyone had the plague… or was that some other time?  Jesus had a hard time remembering since the accident. Three years ago, Jesus had been hit in the head by a flying airplane and ever since he had to grow a bigger beard so that he wouldn't lose his car keys or anal lube. 

Just at that minute, he remembered something else he’d hidden in his beard.  He reached in and pulled out a magnifying glass.  He ran to the TV set to get a closer look at a nipple.  Then he was off to the San Fernando Valley to find his long lost sister whom he’d identified by her trademark triangular nipple.

He rode into a gas station on a goat, grabbed the hose and filled the goat’s ass tank.  “Forty-one dollars?  It’s a goddamn goat!” he said.  He ran to find the manager so he could vent his outrage, but she turned out to be a hot chick, peeing.  So all Jesus could do was stare and hold the bathroom door open so everyone could see.  Then he asked her if she knew his sister.

As luck would have it, she was his sister’s roommate/co-star, so Jesus offered to help her rehearse.  She politely declined.  Jesus snapped his fingers and said, “Damn it!” Then they were on their way to see Jesus’ sister.

But on the way they were attacked by an ancient order of French knights, come for their map.  Jesus grabbed that Arco chick and threw her high up in the air and ran.  While she was up in the air he turned her into a German and the French quickly surrendered.

Then Jesus, the Arco chick and the sister found the treasure and had a three-way on top of a pile of gold.  INCEST ROCKS!

JESUS AND THE GERMAN SAUSAGE

Fire raged all around Jesus.  He gripped his weapon tightly.  Soon, victory would be his.  He was participating in a BBQ cook off.  He had three grills going at once, one with ribs, one with steak and one with crabs that he hunted himself in the dense, sweat forest between the legs of Serena Williams.  Jesus’ only competitor, that he really thought had a chance of beating him (physically), was a German immigrant who made his own sausage out of some kind of mysterious mystery meat.

So anyway, Jesus had devised a plan to murder the German using a smart missile fired from a ship two hundred miles away in the Sea of Japan.  He bamboozled a Navy gunner with talk of fame and fortune, then pushed him overboard.  Then he fired off a few test rounds at some fat chicks in South Korea before taking aim at that German jerk. 

A Colonel pooping nearby ran out of the bathroom with his pants down to see what was going on.  Jesus whipped his nunchucks out of his beard, ready to brawl, but the colonel tripped and fell overboard where some dolphins were waiting for their opportunity to take revenge against him because he always mooned them when they were right in the middle of their mating dance.

So Jesus fired at the German, but much to his dismay, the German caught the missile in mid air and bit it in half.  “Ah, a genetically engineered mutant sausage cook,” Jesus deduced, “I might have known.  We’ll have to settle this like men, with our food cookery.”

So Jesus went back to the competition with full intention of cooking his little heart out and beating the sauerkraut out of that German guy he hated so much, but he was too late.  The German guy had already won, and everyone went home except for Jesus who stayed there eating hot coals because his doctor told him he wasn’t getting enough iron.  “There’s iron in coal right?” 

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO

Jesus was learning karate from Ralph Machio, when Jackie Chan and Lance Armstrong burst in and challenged them to a hotdog-eating contest.  Jesus roared with laughter and said, “I can fit more wieners in my mouth than you guys can fit in your vaginas!”

Jackie Chan beat Jesus and Machio down with a couple of hotdogs, and Lance Armstrong ran home crying because he suddenly came to the sad realization that nobody of consequence cared about competitive cycling.  Then, Jesus zapped Chan with his disintegrater ray.  Then, after brief consideration, he zapped Machio. 

Then, Jesus asked himself, “What do I want to do now?”  So he thought about it quietly for awhile, then he jumped up and snapped his fingers and became invisible and went to watch some hot chicks in the shower and stuff.  Then he became visible and yelled, “BOO!” and the girls ran screaming from the shower. 

Little did Jesus know that one of these women would be his future wife.  But he wouldn’t have cared if he’d known, because he’d been married many times and didn’t really think of marriage as sacred or hetero or even a good idea.

So anyway, Jesus started setting up bear traps and shit so that when the girls ran out of the shower, they’d be trapped.  He decided to move to Iran and sell these women to the CIA.  But their plane crashed on the way and all but Jesus and one fat chick died, so he married her.