SUFFER NOT A WITCH TO LIVE

Jesus was riding the bus to Salem, Massachusetts from Boston for the big dominoes tournament.  This meant that the town was going to need a lot of extra cocaine, which Jesus demanded from every town he visited.  So the mayor of Salem called the local drug connection, who happened to be an evil witch.  The witch conjured up some high-grade cocaine; 10,000 lbs. of it for only two hundred dollars.  Nobody could compete with her.

Jesus came to watch his favorite player, Donny Dickrake, but walked in just in time to see Donny get eliminated from the competition.  “Damnit!” Jesus yelled, “I shouldn’t have stopped to do all that cocaine.”

So Jesus wandered the streets all freaked out, and bumped into his ex girlfriend… that witch from earlier with the cocaine and stuff.  They decided to have sex for old times’ sake, but as soon as she took her shirt off Jesus saw the hairy witchmole on her left nipple.  “Now I remember why I dumped you!” he said.

“You dumped me?” she said.  “I dumped you because you wouldn’t shave your beard!”

How to settle this dispute?  Jesus called his friends at the Vatican and it was time for an old fashioned witch burning.  The Pope, what’s his name, was out of town that weekend, but came back in time for the feast.

Jesus had severed her tongue for one last rich, smoky kiss.  Then he took a picture of the tongue up his butt, fed the tongue to the Pope and sent him the picture in the mail.

JESUS VS. HOLLYWOOD

Jesus had just gotten fired from his job as a stork delivering babies because he kept losing his cargo and replacing it with cheese.  And it’s not that the people didn’t appreciate the cheese, but when you’re expecting a delicious baby, delicious cheese is no comparison.

So anyway, he was filing for unemployment when he came up with a way to make millions ripping off popular movies using toys instead of actors, and actresses instead of furniture.  His movies caught on, and soon he was rich, rich as queers (those darn queers that lived up the street from him and always tried to hit on him in their Lexus).

 So now Jesus was set, but the Hollywood moguls were furious.  Producing movies was the only thing that got the moguls laid and Jesus was jeopardizing that, so they had to get revenge.  They snuck into Jesus’ apartment and booby-trapped his favorite chair, which he had had made special for him by super-gluing a fat chick to a chair.  So when Jesus came home after a hard day’s work of loitering around and sat in his chair, he discovered that his fat chick upholstery had been replaced with a skinny, hairy dude with a boner.

“YIPES!” Jesus yelled as he jumped out of his chair and ran for his shotgun.  He held the dude there at gun point, and they had a pleasant conversation about Jesus’ window treatment.  Then Jesus made him squeal on the fuckers that put him there.  Jesus turned him loose and ran at full speed towards Hollywood so he could get a hooker, and then maybe another hooker, and if there was time, he’d get revenge on the producers with a knife, or flaming dog poo, or maybe his team of high priced lawyers. 

After a few dozen hookers, Jesus set out to find those dudes he was looking for, but came across a fabulous shoe store.  He stayed there, shoe shopping, for so long that he died of hooker deprivation.  He woke up in Heaven and beat off, then went back to bed.

CASTAWAY

Jesus was driving around the world in his Previa minivan/jet that he built himself.  It didn’t use regular fuel, though, it ran on faith.  It got power every time a child sang “Jesus Loves Me.” But Jesus actually hated children, and thanks to a report on “Dateline,” everybody knew it.  So everyone stopped singing happy songs about Jesus, and his jet-van came crashing down somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Jesus woke up on an island, naked.  “Damn it!” cried Jesus.  “I knew I should have built it to run on the souls of aborted babies.”  He went out in search of natives to terrorize and molest and what not, “And when I find ‘em, they better have some night clubs so I can dance, naked.”

Jesus wandered for like two weeks and found nothing.  So he did his puppy rain dance and puppies rained from the sky.  Jesus had a big ass barbecue, and also made some pants and a little hat.

While he was cooking breakfast the next day, he was startled by something, but he wasn’t sure what, so he decided to investigate.  First, he’d need to build a startle-o-meter, then he’d need to test it on somebody.  So he built his machine and then did his hot chick rain dance, and hot chicks rained from the sky.  The fall from the sky left all these hot chicks crippled or dead, so they were easy to catch and bone.

Jesus hooked some chicks up to his startle-o-meter and started pretending to punch them, and yelling “Boo!” or “Look a bear!” or “Look a penis!”  After weeks of testing, he was ready to find out what had startled him earlier.  Turns out it was just the wind.  So he did his fat chick rain dance, and fat chicks rained from the sky.  He carved one out and canoed his way to civilization.

SWEET JESUS PIE

One fine day, Jesus found an old recipe book of his mother’s and looked through it, hoping to find out how to make some tuna-noodle casserole, which was his favorite.  Then he came across the recipe for Mt. Dew, and, in an uncharacteristic display of altruism, he said, “I must destroy this, for the good of mankind, no matter the cost!”

So he put on his big rubber fisherman’s pants and poured in some milk and jogged off to the volcano on the other side of town.  There were also a couple of closer volcanoes, but he’d been caught throwing too many things in recently, so he opted for the further one.

He got as close to the ledge as he was man enough to get, when out from behind a bush came the ghost of Gerald Ford, of “Simpsons” fame. 

“Forget about that volcano,” Ford said, “and come with me to taste the most amazing pie in the universe.  That is, if you’re man enough.”

Jesus wasn’t man enough, so he decided to scream, pee his pants and run away in terror.  He had run for maybe six blocks when he remembered that he could fly.  So he grabbed an old lady’s purse and leapt for the heavens, but since he was already in Heaven, he just hit his head and fell down.  Luckily the milk he’d poured down his pants had churned its way into butter, well… pee butter, which softened his impact and left him feeling pleasantly greasy.

 By then, Ford had caught up to him and pulled out his mystical ruler with which he measured manhood (given to him by an ancient Chinese prostitute).  It turned out, that Jesus was just barely man enough to taste Ford’s pie.  Ford held out a fork with a warm bite of pie on it for Jesus, who reluctantly took the fork and ate the pie.

“It’s pretty good,” said Jesus, “what’s in it?”

“Moose boogers,” Ford replied.

Then they shared the rest of the pie and passed out in the park, drunk on love, love of pie.

JESUS AND THE BULL OF HEAVEN

Jesus was participating in the nude bull fighting championship in Mexico City, Mexico.  He’d done okay so far by using his Jesus powers on the bulls, but now he was up against Berry, the Bull of Heaven, who was way too smart for Jesus.  They went to kindergarten together and Berry beat Jesus in the spelling bee, the make-things-out-of-play-dough contest and even at naptime (Berry always had some hot college chicks nap with him.)

Jesus was so scared that he could barely get an erection, which was a requirement in nude bull fighting.  So Jesus put a mental image of Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days in his head and was instantly hard.  He walked into the arena. There were three or four people in the audience, but Jesus didn’t have time to count. All his attention was drawn by a giant picture of him in a compromising position, which had obviously been hung on the wall by a bull.  The picture showed Jesus being beaten by kids.

Jesus was so mad, that he didn’t even wait for the buzzer to begin. He drew his sword and charged at Berry.  Berry had expected this rash behavior from Jesus and planned accordingly, so Jesus ran straight into the clear plastic wall that Berry had prepared earlier, and the crowd went wild.  Jesus peeled himself off the wall in time to avoid Berry’s next attack, which involved a chainsaw.  He charged at Berry again, this time with his broken erection in both hands.  Berry did a spinning-jump kick and knocked Jesus to the floor, then sat on him until Jesus died of hooker deprivation.

BEAVER BEATING

Jesus searched and searched through the mess that had once been his Las Vegas penthouse, but he couldn’t find his Jesus Robe. "How can I go out without my Jesus Robe?" he asked. "It’s all I’ve ever worn." But he couldn’t find it, so he was forced to go out in a beaver costume.

He had plans to kidnap a cheerleader for breading purposes, so he wanted to sneak around and get a feel for the layout. The local high school had coincidentally, just changed its mascot from the incredibly racist, Swede Beaters, to the proud and tolerant Beaver Beaters.

Luckily, Jesus’ beaver costume was a girl-beaver costume, so nobody questioned him as he casually walked into the girl’s locker room. There were several cheerleaders there changing into their uniforms for the big pep rally, but only one caught Jesus’ eye. She had red hair, and freckles, wide shoulders and child-bearing hips and she couldn’t have been more than fifteen. Jesus would need to be cunning in order to get away with her.

He sat on a doorknob and stared at her, thinking about stuff, when all of a sudden, she noticed him and her eyes lit up. Jesus felt a weird tension in his stomach, and his heart seemed to be beating off in his chest. The cheerleader jumped excitedly and yelled, "Look everyone, a beaver to beat!"

They all ran at him and beat him down like cheerleaders beating their beavers. But the padding of the costume protected Jesus from their weak, feminine blows. In fact, it felt rather like a massage.

Once the massage was over, Jesus grabbed Red by her pigtails and slammed her face into a locker. Then he picked up her unconscious body and ran off. But campus police were in hot pursuit; he’d need wheels.

After running a few blocks, Jesus found a guy who agreed to trade him his car for the girl. Jesus was well on his way to the movies before he remembered why he even needed the car in the first place. So he slammed on the brakes and backed up into a cowboy, which is pretty weird, I mean, what’s a cowboy doing just walking around? Where’s his horse anyway?

Right, so meanwhile, the guy who traded with Jesus had been arrested for kidnapping. So Jesus found the poor, young, distraught girl and offered her a friendly (sexy) shoulder (dick) to cry (sit) on.

JAYWALKERS

Jesus was standing on the corner of Sunset and Fairfax in Hollywood. He was undercover in a jaywalking sting operation (desperate times, desperate measures, that sort of thing.) He was trying to find a ringleader, so he needed answers. He jaywalked right along with other people (like his special license said he could.) And he would ask them things like, "Mighty fine jaywalking here, eh?" "Who told you about this corner?" "Where’d you learn to jaywalk like that, man?" "Can I have your phone number?" Most people just thought that he was either retarded or religious (two things people in Hollywood were trained to ignore.) 

But finally, after two weeks, he got a talker. "So," Jesus said, "who taught you to jaywalk?"

"Originally it was John, over on Wilshire, but now I’m with Gary, he’s much better."

"Is that Gary on Gower? Gower Gulch Gary?"

"Yeah, he pays the best, really takes care of his walkers."

Jesus had heard of him before, and knew where he hung out. He raced of to the Rite-Aid on Gower and Sunset where Gary worked as a cashregister-man. Gary was bagging up some groceries when Jesus tackled him and hog-tied him and dragged him downtown.

"Who do you work for!?" Jesus demanded to know.

"Rite-Aid," Gary answered. "I was working when you arrested me." He was clever, Jesus would give him that, ‘but was he as clever as a beehive?’ Jesus wondered as he stuffed him in a box with a beehive and kicked him down the stairs. Jesus sat on top of the box and asked him a few questions, but Gary didn’t answer. Jesus opened the box and found Gary and all of the bees dead and came to the conclusion that Gary was equally as intelligent as beehive, and noted it in his report. Then he raced back to the streets for more leads and crack rocks.