JESUS AND PAUL’S BIG ADVENTURE

Jesus had been excited all week, his old buddy Paul was coming for a visit. Jesus hadn’t seen Paul for a thousand years, not since Peter’s bachelor party in Constantinople. That was a wicked night for Jesus; he contracted syphilis from a blonde hooker named Sissy. He also created a cure for the disease that same night, but the recipe was lost in the move from Heaven to Texas along with his favorite hat.

Paul arrived at Jesus’ Beverly Hills mansion at ten AM on Thursday. He would be in town till Monday, and Jesus had a full itinerary. First they were gonna get a couple of bitches and go drinking on Jesus’ yacht, the Fairy Queen. Then they’d hit the slopes. Paul was an excellent skier, but this trip was specifically designed for snowboarding. Paul couldn’t snowboard worth a damn, so Jesus tried to encourage him, by telling him that if he made it down the mountain unharmed, he’d buy him a pony. So Paul fell down on the bunny slope like four times, and Jesus had a good laugh at his expense, and instead of buying a pony for Paul, he just walked by and kicked it.

The next thing to do was go skydiving. They jumped out of the plane, and were about to open their chutes, when they were abducted by aliens. The aliens wanted someone to mate with Amelia Earhart, whom they had abducted many years ago. Little did they realize that Amelia was long dead. But did that stop Jesus? Hell no! "Bring her on," he cried, drunk on mescaline. He pounded that dusty pussy until the aliens couldn’t stand to hear him yell, "How do ya like that airplane ride bitch?" one more time.

The aliens told him to stop, and when he wouldn’t, they aimed their giant laser at New York and threatened to blow it up. Jesus slowed his pace while he pondered his options. He looked arrogantly into the eye of the head alien and said, "Go, go giant penis!" His member grew and grew until he could use it as a weapon, and then he kicked himself some alien tentacle.

While all this was happening, Paul had somehow learned to fly the alien spacecraft. So they spent the rest of the weekend cruising the galaxy, drinking alien booze, and screwing the crusty lifeless body of Amelia Earhart.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY

Jesus was passing out candy to trick-or-treaters one fine July night (in Heaven, everyday is Halloween and Christmas and Martin Luther King Jr. Day.) He had just sat down, when the doorbell rang for the forty-third time that night.

So he got up, set up his trusty candy-delivering slingshot and opened the door. But it wasn’t trick-or-treaters, it was Billy Dee Williams singing Martin Luther King Day carols. (Sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls") "He’s the king of civil rights, why, He’s the one who said he had a dream. Shared a bathroom with a white guy. Now you all know black guys have big cocks. Don we now our gay apparel. Falala Lalala La La La!" So Jesus took the candy out of his slingshot and replaced it with chicken and waffles, the traditional Martin Luther King Day treat, and launched it at Billy Dee. Billy Dee caught the food in his sack and back flipped to the house next door.

"Billy Dee Williams," Jesus said to himself, "I didn’t even know he was dead."

So Jesus shut the door, took a deep breath and lurched back to his chair. He took a sip from his baby bottle, and the doorbell rang for the forty-fourth time. He got up angrily and rushed to the door with his trusty fireplace poker in hand. He opened the door, ready to club the shit out of Billy Dee, but this time, it was a leprechaun. "I’m here to file a grievance," he said with an Irish brogue. "Why isn’t everyday St. Patrick’s day in Heaven?"

"Because God hates the Irish!" Jesus said and slammed the door.

So Jesus sat back down and opened up his favorite book, A Tale of Two Titties, by Charles Dickingson, when the doorbell rang for the forty-fifth time. Jesus rushed to open the door, it was that Leprechaun again with fifteen of his leprechaun buddies. They battled for five or six minutes, then one of them got past Jesus’ defenses and punched him right in the sack. "That’s why nobody likes you guys," Jesus mumbled to himself in pain.

JESUS IN THE BORDELLO GALAXY

While on a fact-finding mission in Uruguay, Jesus was asked by some philosophical Uruguayan, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Jesus sliced him in half, length wise, with a karate chop, but for some reason the question nagged at him.

So he went to a little farm and slaughtered the whole family and asked all the chickens in a big meeting. They told him that it was the chicken who came first, born as a baby, with no egg, then got busy with some dinosaur or something and created a hybrid.

"But that first chicken," Jesus said, "would have been a different species, and the modern chicken is the hybrid. So, the first chicken was born from an egg. Ha!" The chickens all burst into flame at the sheer power of Jesus’ logic.

So Jesus had a lovely dinner, then took his jetpack to the planet Bordello V. There he was greeted by a robot with a boner. The whole planet was inhabited by robots, and every robot had a boner, and every boner had a spigot which poured out sweet, delicious milk.

Wait, there were chick robots who didn’t have boners, but they were just there to make sandwiches and stuff. So Jesus wandered into a sandwich shop, but he was full from all that chicken. So he decided that this planet was poorly named and went off in search of Bordello I.

But Bordello I was inhabited by boners, and each boner had a robot that made sweet delicious milk. Here too, the women were only good for sandwich making. So Jesus destroyed the entire Bordello galaxy and went back to Earth to get a hooker.

CAPTAIN JESUS' ADVENTURES IN SPACE

JESUS AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW

Jesus was wraslin’ a bear out in the Ozark mountains, when a gang of roving hillbillies came along and started ho downing right in front of him.  Little did Jesus know that this was just a clever distraction.  As he and the bear just stood there and clapped and smiled, several hillbilly children snuck up behind them and used their hillbilly mind powers to trick Jesus into thinking that he was a bumble bee.

Jesus buzzed about the world for ten thousand years before coming to his senses.  He found that the world was now ruled by giant panda bears, naked panda bears!  They were peaceful leaders, but they wouldn’t take Jesus seriously.  He eventually had to turn some water into wine, and get them all horribly fucked up and get them laid before they believed he was a god.

“But we always believed that we were made in the image of God,” said their leader.  Jesus laughed and laughed.  He laughed for ten thousand years.  And when he came to his senses, he found that the world was now ruled by beautiful flower people.

   It was a confusing time because Jesus needed to take a dump and everywhere he squatted down some creepy flower dude would turn around and molest him.  And they were all obscene about it, they would shout to their friends, “Look at me!  I got a stem up his nose!”  They all laughed until Jesus finally used his Jesus mind powers and blew up the earth. 

Once in heaven, Jesus was relieved to find that none of the flowers or pandas were in heaven.  Also, I guess it was all a dream or something. 

JESUS IN THE WOMB

Way back before Jesus was born, he used to roam through the vast caves of his mother’s uterus. One time, he found an old projector and a film reel labeled, “The Joy of Lacrosse.” “Oh no!” unborn baby Jesus said, “no wonder Mom was a virgin, she’s a total dyke.”

Jesus kept rooting around the movies and came across a note addressed to unborn baby Jesus. He snatched it up with his stubby little baby hands and read it. It said, “Dearest baby me, it’s me, Jesus old. I remember the womb sucking ass, so I’ve snuck in and hidden various objects and given you a treasure map. But beware, because our older cousin, Ralph, was terribly jealous when he found out my plan, so he booby-trapped the womb with napalm. If you burn your face, you’ll never be able to grow my trademark beard!”

So, unborn baby Jesus put on his sleuth hat and turned to say something clever, and SNAP! he stepped in a bear trap. “Damnit!” he shouted, “now I’ve got to walk with a limp for the rest of this story!” Jesus, even as an unborn baby in the womb was always self-conscious about his appearance, so he took a few minutes and covered his wound in a rhinestone studded bandage. Then he saw a note on the bear trap. It was from the older Jesus and said, “P.S. the bear trap wasn’t left by Ralph. I always wanted to get someone with a bear trap. I regret that it had to be you, because you’re me. Now find that fucking treasure already!”

So unborn baby Jesus waddled off and turned a corner, and there it was, the treasure. “Wow, I guess I thought there were more places to look.” So he sat there wearing a crown, watching lacrosse films and waiting to be born.

JESUS AND THE GANG

Jesus was living with Michael Keaton in Brooklyn. He got out of the shower after Michael had left one day.  Jesus had planned to ask Michael if he could borrow a shirt, but didn’t get the chance.  So he figured he could have it back in Michael’s closet before Michael got back from performing in the Broadway musical, “Mr. Mom.”

So he took the shirt and set off on his big date with Jessica Simpson.  She was married at the time, but who wouldn’t cheat on their husband to say they’d fucked Jesus?  Jesus waited around all night at Luigi’s Italian Café, and Jess never showed.  “That bitch stood me up!” Jesus said.  “It’s time for a good old fashioned smiting!”  He flew off in such a hurry that he forgot he was wearing Michael’s shirt.

The next thing he knew, he was tearing down the gates of heaven in a blind furry, and everyone standing in line bumrushed past Jesus Hulk, and into Heaven.

“God damn it!” yelled Jesus’ old man, “what the bloody fuck are you doing?”

“Uhh... I don’t know what happened… wait, did you just say ‘bloody fuck?’  Like that time we double-teamed that Jamaican Chick on her rag?”

“Oh… Linda, Yeah!”

“Good times.  Anyway, I’m in a hurry.  I need to borrow the smiting ray.”

“You know we don’t smite people anymore.”

“But Dad—

“No buts!”

Without the help of the smiting ray, Jesus would have to smite her the more primitive way. So he went to Big 5 and got a baseball bat and some deodorant (‘cause he didn’t want to smell anymore.)  Now he was ready to play ball… in Jessica’s ass.  Now, ample as that ass was, Jesus could not fit in past his knuckles, especially after that bat.  So he shrunk himself down and, long story short, he got Michael’s shirt all dirty.

JESUS P.I.

Jesus had just opened his own detective agency, Jesus P. Christ P.I.  He’d seen all the movies, any minute now a gorgeous chick was gonna walk in, in need of his help, then he could molest her pets.  The way Jesus saw it, he didn’t even have to do any of the dirty work.  He could just trick the girl into going with him everywhere and doing everything herself while Jesus was always poised and ready to run off at any sign of trouble.

But so far, no such chick had come in.  Then, the bell above the door dinged and in walked a horrible crippled woman with a hideous smashed in face.  “Kill it!  Kill it!” shouted Jesus’ parrot.  Jesus jumped into action, but this was no ordinary old crippled lady, in fact she wasn’t crippled at all.  She was a secret agent sent from Beijing to smash on Jesus in retaliation for his involvement in the Blue Man Group.

She and Jesus engaged in hand to hand combat for a few minutes until Jesus finally threw this old woman over the balcony of his office.  Then she hit the ground with a sickening splat!

Then the bell dinged again and in walked a hot red head with big tits, a hot round ass and legs, nice ones.  “Oh Mr. Jesus,” she said, “I need your help.”

“Do go on,” Jesus heavily breathed the words at her as he slid across his desk.

“What are you doing with your lips there?” she asked with an unhealthy, perplexed look on her face.

“I can’t help it,” Jesus replied, “I quiver like a half-frozen baby when I’m nervous.”

“Oh, well here’s my problem:  someone’s trying to kill my dog!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.  But you make it sound sexy.  I’ll take the case!”

So, they went back to her place, and Jesus started to disrobe, but then he saw that she was serious about her stupid dog.  “I’ll show you my evidence,” she said picking up a fresh dog dropping.  Jesus took it from her and squeezed it between his hands hoping to find some clues.  “Damn it!” she shouted.  “That was the last one.   Now I’ll have to wait for another one.  And go wash your hands, pervert.” 

Jesus apologized for ruining her last dog turd.  Then he turned and went to the bathroom to wash up and ended up making a huge mess.  Then, once he knew for sure she wasn’t going to blow him, he got up and left, molesting her dog to death on the way out.

JESUS AND THE CHEESE SANDWICH

Jesus was flying about in his stolen F-16. His plan was to bomb Mexico City, but just as he got there, he got a bad leg cramp. All those long car trips as a child had taught him nothing. So he landed in Mexico City Airport and limped around while people threw money into an upside down sombrero for him.

Then he was invited to dinner by a local family of fourteen. They had a big fiesta with lots of food and beer. It was so much fun that Jesus began to wonder why he’d ever wanted to bomb these wonderful people. But it had to be done.

So the next morning, he headed to the airport. When he got there, he found that his jet had been stolen by some Mexicans or something. Now he was mad, he made a phone call to the Angel Mafia, the only mafia that ain’t afraid to shake down girl scouts and old people.

Within thirty minutes he had his plane back. But he couldn’t afford the cheese sandwich he wanted for lunch. So he flew his jet into the nearest sandwich shop and said, "Gimme a cheese sandwich or I’ll bomb ya!" Sadly, the shop owner only spoke Korean.

After bombing the sandwich shop, he went to search for his cheese sandwich in the nearby village of Juarez. But the only cheese they had didn’t look enough like cheese according to Jesus. So he threw a couple of grenades into the outhouse just to make a mess. Then he bombed a few other major towns, and even a few goat herders with a herd of about forty goats.

Then he headed to France, cheese capital of the world! France gave Jesus a great cheese sandwich, but he bombed them on general principal.

JESUS AND THE CHUPACABRA

Jesus, amateur spelunker, crawled deeper and deeper into the cave in search of Aztec gold.  Legend had it that when Cortez was betrayed by the Spaniards, he hid his gold in the mountains.  But it was cursed gold, any who found it, would one day eat a bug.  Jesus ate lots of bugs and couldn’t care less for the consequences, and even ate some bugs on the way for added strength and protein.

So Jesus eventually found the gold and went home and bought a mansion.  Years later, there was a knock on the door.  It was a chupacabra, there to enforce the curse.  But it turned out that the curse had been mistranslated, and Jesus had to be impregnated by a bug.

So, the chupacabra held Jesus down while a bug flew up his ass.  And soon, Jesus was having morning problems and crying his eyes out over his bug lover (he didn’t even call like he said he would).

So, Jesus had an abortion, much to the dismay of his hardcore fans.  The bug, the chupacabra and the ghost of Cortez were furious, but there was nothing they could do, as the curse only said that he had to be impregnated by a bug, but said nothing about giving birth.

But Jesus was worried that they’d try to impregnate him again, so he gave all his money to a local strip club and lived poor for the rest of his life, or until something else happened.

PAULA POUNDSTONE’S PUP

Jesus had a crush on the shy girl next door.  He would always see her walking her dog and he would think, “One day… I’m gonna tie her shoelaces together so she can’t run…” He stepped out of his front door one day and there she was, letting her dog poop in his yard. Jesus wasn’t mad though, because his yard was the ugliest on the block since his gardener Chip quit to go to Yale. Anyway, she was distracted by her dog’s bowel movement and Jesus saw his chance. He sauntered over to her and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you, but every time I see your grisly face it takes my breath away. Maybe I could take you to lunch today.” Which was uncommonly sweet of him.

 “Yes I’d love that.” She replied. “My name is Paula Poundstone. I got that name from smashing babies with this big rock I carry with me sometimes.”

“My name is Jesus, I got that name by chance. My parents let all the animals and wisemen and stable boys put a name in a hat and then they picked one out for me.  And the winner got to be part of my first miracle, where I covered his body with breasts and turned his blood to wine and suckled my way through puberty.”

Paula Poundstone was very smitten with Jesus and Jesus sure had a boner for her, a boner that only bologna had given him before.

They walked down to Del Taco and tied the dog up outside. They ate and laughed for hours. When they finally went outside again the dog was gone. “Who would steal a dog?!” exclaimed Paula.

“There’s only one person I know of who would do such a thing,” Jesus said, “But I’m innocent. I was with you the whole time.”

So Jesus started looking for clues so that he could find Paula’s dog and she would bang him. He found three hairs, the DNA of which matched that of Paula’s dog, probably. He also found Louie Anderson drinking what looked to be a glass of fresh-squeezed puppy juice. He hit him up about it and, sure enough, puppy juice. But the missing dog was not a puppy so they searched on.

The day grew long and the light grew thin and Paula started to cry. Jesus hated to hear her cry so much that he stuffed a diseased pigeon in her mouth and taped it shut. Then he went home to discover that it really was him who stole the dog.

QUEST FOR THE BALD EAGLE

Jesus saw a bald eagle sitting in her nest high above the forest floor in some giant ass tree rising majestically next to a giant ass cliff-side, and knew then and there what his life’s purpose was… to raise some bald eagles from chicks and make them his personal bodyguards and sex slaves.

So he climbed up the tree but had to stop and rest on the way because he sprained his ankle.  Luckily, this happened right next to a dragon’s cave.  The dragon was a kindly old creature who took Jesus in and nursed him back to health.

Jesus and the dragon became the best of friends.  They did everything together; they went to the movies, they did each other’s hair and they had jolly old pillow fights.  Then one day, the dragon decided it was time to let Jesus in on his biggest secret; he didn’t believe in Jesus.

Jesus was stunned, and almost cried and started to slowly fade away until he was invisible.  While he was invisible, he stole the dragon’s TV.  Then he continued on his way to those darned eggs.

A little farther up the tree he found a balloon stuck on a branch with a note on it that said, “if found, please return to Susan at 425 West Eaststreet Avenue in No Name, Colorado.”  So now, Jesus was bound by contractual obligation to return the balloon.

“Those fucking eagles are gonna be extinct before I get my mitts on ‘em!” he cursed.  His only hope, as he flew (coach) to Colorado, was that Susan would be a hot older woman with hot young daughters.

She was, and she was also very happy to see her balloon in one piece.  Jesus took the opportunity to ask her out, but she said, “No!” and told him to beat it out of there before she called the cops.  He made some vague threats about returning later with some eye-clawing eagles, then went back to the forest.

But he was too late, the forest had been leveled to make way for a Wal-Mart.  So he vowed revenge on the company, and has been rolling back their prices ever since.  Unintentionally helping the corporation to make billions while still paying its employees basically nothing.

“Oh well,” said Jesus, “at least somewhere out there, someone is suffering.”  Then he went home, beat off in the kitchen sink and went to bed.

Robot Jesus

Robot Jesus was in for his annual oil change, but this year, Mechanic Jesus, or regular Jesus… you know, Jesus, noticed a problem with Robot Jesus’ armpit modulator. The armpit modulator is the thing that loads rockets into Robot Jesus’ left arm, the rocket arm. “It’s a good thing I decided not to send you after Alan Alda,” Jesus said, “or you’d have blown yourself up, and I’d have forgotten all about you. And I’d have had to kill Alda myself. But now we can even do an upgrade, and really bust up some nuns.”

“Yes, nuns. The nuns shall pay,” replied Robot Jesus.

They spent the next eighteen hours rebuilding Robot Jesus, and laughing, and eating hotdogs covered in relish, sweet relish.

Once Robot Jesus was completed, they were off to Madre Maria Monastery in Puerto Rico on a double mission to slaughter nuns and Alan Alda, who was there recovering from his most recent bout with erectile dysfunction (nuns are good with that sort of thing.)

Anyway, they broke into the nunnery an hour before dawn and crept into every room, tied down all the nuns and set loose millions of bees. Not just regular bees, evil bees, very expensive, very deadly.

So after the nuns died, Robot Jesus crept into Alda’s room and turned on his buzz saw penis extender and proceeded to anally rape Alda while Jesus took pictures for his collection. Then suddenly Jesus said, “Wait a minute, that’s not the guy I wanted to kill. I wanted to kill Tom Selleck!”

“Oh yes, Magnum P.I. I hate that guy.”

So they pushed Alan Alda into a neat little pile on the floor, then flew off to Tom Selleck’s hideout in Malibu, or wherever.

But years of playing an unrealistic, mustachioed P.I. had left Selleck’s wits sharp as a buzz saw penis extender, so he was ready for them. When they arrived, they were greeted by an army of Robot Magnum P.I.s! The battle was epic, but it ended the only way it could, with Chuck Norris Victorious.